M I N I S T R Y   S T A F F


Bruce C. Miller (bm3719), Universal Church of Angelism ProFit

The birth of the ProFit, July 15, in the year of 1978 of the Gregorian calendar, was heralded by the arrival of a new star in the sky. Upon his coming, thrice crowed a sacred magpie. Its duty complete, the corvidae fell dead upon a troop of wild mushrooms arrayed in a rare double fairy circle. It is said that anyone who consumes a mushroom descended from those nourished by the corpse of the magpie will grow six feet, forevermore speak in tongues (particularly Haskell and the Lambda calculus), and develop an intolerance to lactose.

"Subsidize drooling long enough, and you'll one day wake up waist deep in it."

"The Cleansing is the only solution to the wickedness of the world. News of its inevitability shall serve as a beacon of hope for the pure of spirit, and drive terror into the black hearts of the Unclean."

[cat #1]

Snotty, Universal Church of Angelism Archbishop, Diocese of Florida

Introspective and melancholic, Florida's Archbishop is tempered by wisdom, unmoved by worldly pleasures, and enjoys sleeping in piles of discarded packing material. Often seen engaging in contemplative meditation, Snotty spends hours at a time staring blankly at bare walls, her thoughts a mystery to all but herself.

Her silence is her voice.

[cat #2]

Meow Meow, Universal Church of Angelism Archbishop, Diocese of Virginia

Archbishop Meow is a self-professed philosophical egoist. She believes in seeking enlightenment through hedonism. For her, understanding the moral landscape is impossible without sensual indulgence. Meow demands that all under her jurisdiction arise before seven o'clock in the morning, so that she might fill her stomach with the offerings of the penitent.


[cat #3]

Scaredy, Universal Church of Angelism Archbishop, Diocese of Maryland

She is emptiness. She is the void. She is that which is not. Only a shadow of a being slumbers within the darkest and deepest degradation, straddling life and death, with cracking bones held together by sorrow.

The hollow sound of her wails echo in the dark.

[cat #4]

Stripey, Universal Church of Angelism Archbishop, Diocese of West Virginia

New to this whole "being alive" thing, Bishop Stripey is merely a puppet, a symbolic leader through which the will of those who pull his strings is exercised. Any dictates from Bishop Stripey are the result of the machinations of his handlers. Luckily, he doesn't notice the political storm brewing around him, as he is too occupied with climbing up people's legs and chewing on stuff.



Houseplant, Universal Church of Angelism Titular Bishop

Actually a collection of several Mexican Hat Plants, this succulent reproduces asexually and is extremely poisonous, both to humans and to domestic animals.

Houseplant, a Chinese Zen master, was asked by a student:

"What is the most valuable thing in the world?"

The master replied: "The head of a dead cat."

"Why is the head of a dead cat the most valuable thing in the world?" inquired the student.

Houseplant replied: "Because no one can name its price."