T H E   A N G E L I S T   C O O K B O O K :   O F F I C I A L   E B O O K


Table of Contents

1. INTRODUCTION

The Angelist Cookbook "Vegan and vegetarian recipes that won't make you a disgusting blob."

1.1. About the Author

The Honorable Reverend, “Rev,” is an ordained minister (American Marriage Ministries, Universal Life Church, Universal Angelist Church [subsidiary of Macroexpand, Inc.]), bespectacled scholar, historian, dashing archaeologist, poet, published author, artisan, polyglot, ballet dancer, ham radio enthusiast, skincare expert, cat groomer, opera aficionado, renowned hunter, safe boater, world traveler, and software engineer. Almost none of that is true. His Most Venerable Reverend can also cook (sort of), which is what this book is actually about.

1.2. Why the Cookbook?

I need to reference recipes on a regular basis, but analog cookbooks aren't text searchable and food blogs are fake and gh3y. What percentage of recipes posted online are total BS and haven't been tested by the author? Quite a large percentage, I'll reckon, based on the terrible results I've gotten. People who post fake recipes on the internet should be forced to eat every failed attempt for which they are responsible. I feel this is only just, considering the waste of ingredients I've had to endure over the years.

That's why I'm the best–because I keep it real. I present to you the edible, the mediocre, and the disasters that are the grim reality of cooking. At the end of the day, cooking is a just another chore, like eating and pooping, and I approach it with pragmatism. Unless the recipe is an obvious failure, which will be obvious by how I write about the it, these are all real recipes. Meaning: they work. If you screw up the recipe, that means it was your fault, not mine. I ain't putting any fake BS recipes in here. There might be a few I haven't tested yet (look, I'm a busy man), but those are CLEARLY MARKED and I plan on getting around to them eventually. If they suck, I'll take them out.

1.3. Disclaimers

  1. Try these recipes if you want, but I’m not responsible if you burn your house down while cooking or if you or anyone else keels over from eating them.
  2. All nutritional and caloric information is based on estimates.
  3. I am neither affiliated with nor endorsed by any of the brands mentioned in this file.

1.4. Fair Use

Information wants to be free. I don’t care if you copy, repost, or modify this content (with or without attribution), though I’m not sure why anyone would ever want to. Just don't stick my name on it if you change anything–you break it, you own it.

1.5. Rules and Objectives

1.5.1. Angelist Rule #23: Don't eat.

Sub-part a: If you couldn't look it directly in the eye and murder it yourself, you have no business eating it.

Sub-part b: If you must eat, restrict calories to <1200 calories per day.

1.5.2. Objectives of the Angelist Cookbook:

  1. Vegan or vegetarian food only.
  2. Eat economically.
  3. Spend as little time cooking as possible.
  4. Minimalism.
  5. Don't be weird about food.

2. PART I: THE ULTIMATE MEAL

2.1. Soylent

Serves one person. Preparation time about 30 seconds.

Exactly 500 calories per serving.

2.1.1. Materials

  1. Container Designed to Hold Fluids
  2. Official Soylent Scoop
  3. 115 grams Soylent Powder
  4. Water

    Almond, soy, or cashew milk can substitute all or part of the water.

  5. (Optional) Anything
    • PB2: 45 calories per 12 grams.
    • Fiber One Cereal: 60 calories per 1/2 CUP.
    • Chocolate Powder: 10 calories per TBSP.
    • Psylium Husk Powder: No caloric effect.

2.1.2. Preparation

  1. Scoop Soylent into a non-porous container.
  2. (Optional) Add something else.
  3. Add water and stir/shake until Soylent reaches desired consistency.
  4. Done.
  5. Eat it with a spork to be XXX-Tr3m3.

2.2. Additional notes on Soylent

2.2.1. Going Soylent (2016 Experiment)

  1. Plan and Statistics (June 29, 2016)

    Stats

    • Daily Caloric Intake: 1,200 calories.
    • Height: 4’10
    • Weight: 75 lbs
    • BMI: 15.67 (standard BMI), 16.79 (new calculation)

    Plan

    • Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday: Use 4 scoops of Soylent daily (1000 calories), and one snack (200 calories).
    • Tuesday: 1 scoop Soylent or snack + <1000 calories from buffet.
    • Friday: 1 scoop Soylent or snack + 1 meal. Rounding up, this is 22 scoops for me and 29 scoops for my brother every week. Snacks may include: fruit, cereal, crackers, or anything cheap.

    Financial Tracking

    • Current Monthly Food Cost: $550
    • Soylent ships 7 bags per box, each with 8 scoops. This is a total 56 scoops per box. At 51 scoops a week, this means we will need about box per week.
    • Estimated New Monthly Food Cost: $216 (4 boxes Soylent) + $80 restaurant + $50 for snacks/meals = $346
    • Actual New Monthly Food Cost: TBD

    Considerations

    1. Soylent’s effect on our weight.
    2. How much Soylent we will actually go through on a monthly basis (will determine subscription cost).
    3. Whether we will up the Soylent or dial it back.
  2. Reasoning (June 29, 2016)

    One of my goals has always been efficiency. I’ve used food substitutes before: diet shakes, nutritional beverages, etc. They were all too expensive to stick with long-term. When Rob Rhineheart announced his Kickstarter for Soylent in 2013, my ears perked. The drink promised to be nutritionally-complete and economical.

    Unfortunately, I had to wait until version 1.4 to try out this particular meal replacement, as early versions included fish oil as an ingredient. V1.4 wasn’t great. It was filling, but it tasted strange. The flavor wasn’t as bland and innocuous as I’d hoped. It also has a negative reputation amongst Soylent users owing to its “slimy” texture, and I’d have to agree with that assessment. Fortunately, by the time I got around to trying 1.4, 1.5 was almost out.

    V1.5 fixed the texture and taste problems. It is a bit lacking in fiber and protein, and heavy in carbohydrates, but I can live with that trade-off. The biggest problem for me (Soylent seems to effect everyone differently) is the lack of satiety. I’ll eat a scoop and the shakes will go away for an hour, then come right back. This is a problem for someone limited to five scoops a day, and that’s if I don’t mind going over my calorie budget of 1,200.

    So far, I’ve just been replacing the random meal with Soylent here and there. But, I don’t want to use Soylent as a supplement. I want to use it as intended.

    The benefits: a flat stomach (no bloating), time savings and, most important, the economic argument, are critical determining factors. Being dirt poor, I have a budget of $500 a month that has to cover a $45 internet bill, $40 for utilities, and $40 for gas. Once a week my brother and I go to a cheap buffet (eating real food occasionally ensures you don’t kill off your gut biome). That’s another $80-$100, including tipping. That comes to $225. Add in non-food purchases such as soap or batteries, a $50 ecig smoking habit, and I have about $200 left for groceries (and nothing else). My actual grocery bill for last month was around $450 (for two people). Oops, I’m already $250 over budget. Mooom! Yeah, the extra expense is usually funded via windfalls like freelance work or, more often, an extra cash injection from the mother.

    Then there’s the whole “vegetarian” thing. Vegetarian and vegan foods, especially if you’re occasionally eating frozen stuff like I’ve been, do not come cheap. I can’t afford this lifestyle. Meanwhile, Soylent will feed you for a few dollars a day. When I do the back of the napkin number crunching, I can see I’ve been irresponsible. My current grocery bill is unacceptable. So, I’m going to go 75-80% Soylent. I’m going to track this new diet and see how it goes.

  3. Soylent Diet: Week 1 (July 7, 2016)

    TL;DR: Blugh.

    "What’s in my fridge? Oh, it’s a bucket of Soylent."

    It’s been a week since I began my beige and futuristic lifestyle modification and, like any other big change, there’s definitely been an adjustment period. I’ve eaten plenty of Soylent over the past few years, but never in this quantity. Rather than being at 80% Soylent, I seem unable to break 50%. This is for a few reasons but, overall, it’s because I haven’t been feeling well. My brother says I’ve been a “vector for misery” over the past seven days, while I accuse Soylent of the same. Not eating sounds like the easiest thing in the world; doing things is hard, thus not doing something should be the opposite, right? Especially when it isn’t automatically handled by your body, like breathing. Not the case with Soylent. In fact, I’d rather eat nothing than Soylent. This is not because of cosmetic issues such as taste or some attachment to the behaviors involved in the eating process (I don’t miss cooking at all), but rather a distaste for the lack of energy and productivity I’m experiencing. I’ve spent the last week in a low-blood sugar induced daze, plagued with headaches, heartburn, and diminished mental acuity. This is the opposite of what Soylent is supposed to do for its users.

    Here are my observations thus far. I will list the positive, negative, and neutral effects of Soylent for the purposes of providing data for a cost/benefit analysis. YMMV.

    Pros

    • I am definitely saving money. My biggest grocery expense this week was cat food.
    • Excellent dental hygiene. For some reason, my teeth seem really clean. I have to brush right after I eat Soylent to get rid of the gritty aftertaste, but I usually brush after meals anyway. It seems that real food is more destructive to tooth enamel than Soylent.
    • Cleaner kitchen. Less dirty dishes, at least. My stove is developing a layer of cat hair and dust.

    Cons

    • Mental fog. “Huh, what?” are the two most common words in my vocabulary.
    • Obsession with food. I can’t stop thinking about food because of how hungry I am. Rather than making me more productive, my thoughts are so centered around food that I can’t do anything else.
    • Hunger. I’m constantly hungry, which was not a problem when I ate real food. I’ve even had to up my caloric intake because I get so hungry that I start to get a little weepy.
    • Dehydration. Maybe it’s because humans get liquids from their foods, and the water mixed with the Soylent isn’t enough to replace it. I can’t stop drinking, but no amount of water seems to be enough. My skin is completely dry and desiccated.
    • Stomach Pain. I have GERD and acid reflux, which is what I think is causing the stomach pain. Without food to soak up acid, the acid starts attacking the stomach lining. I’ve gone back to taking omeprazole to try and deal with this issue.
    • Headache. I don’t know if this is a water issue or a food addiction issue. What I do know is that I’m spending more time thinking about my symptoms and how to solve them than it takes to just eat.
    • Low energy. I’m tired all the time, my heart is pounding in my chest, and I still can’t sleep because my stomach keeps me awake at night. I don’t want to do chores, think, or write. Evening walks have become difficult to get through. Basically, I’m getting lazy. Well, lazier.

    -Social. I see a lot less of my brother now that we don’t eat meals together. I instead spend this time looking at the computer monitor, but I’m too tired and hazy to actually get more work done. I’ve also felt morose and irritable, so I have to avoid talking to anyone to minimize the whole “misery vector” thing.

    Neutral

    • No change in weight. The number on the scale hasn’t budged in either direction. However, I look a bit thinner, despite the fact I’ve been eating more calories. I am unsure as to whether this is my imagination, or due to the dehydration/lack of food mass in the abdomen.

    Despite the challenges, I am still broke, so I’m going to stick with it. Most individuals appear to completely adjust to Soylent within a month (based on what I’ve read on the forums), so I will wait a few more weeks and then reevaluate. Right now, it’s simply too early to answer the questions posed in my previous post.

    In other news, I hear V1.6 is out.

  4. Soylent Diet: Week 2 (July 13, 2016)

    TL;DR: Meh.

    "This is my life."

    This week has been better. My Soylent intake is still hovering at around 50 or 60%, but I’m able to eat more of it and less solids. I’ve been consuming about 3 scoops a day, plus a small bowl of crackers, some cheese, or the occasional coffee. Basically, anything I still have left in my cabinets and fridge. The lack of energy is definitely still cutting into my productivity, such as it is, but aside from being sleepier, it’s not that bad.

    The calorie management situation, however, remains difficult. I’ve been drifting over 1200 more often than not. I must be making up for it with those 90-120 minute walks, because I haven’t gained anything. On the contrary. I somehow lost a pound. Just great. I can’t wait for everyone who hasn’t seen me in a while to tell me about how disgusting I look (despite the fact I keep telling everyone to keep their unsolicited opinions to themselves). Maybe I’ve been worse at calculating my calorie intake than I thought.

    My biggest challenge this week has been overcoming the dehydration and the shakiness. After my walks, I’m usually trembling. I have a scoop afterwards, usually, and that helps a little. I guess I get low blood sugar, but IANAD.

    I’ve read some of the release information about V1.6 and I think it will be an improvement. I like the macronutrient ratios, at least in comparison to V1.5. Maybe fewer carbs and more protein will mean higher energy levels. I notice that if I eat protein, I don’t have the awful hunger pains and hypoglycemic sickness. It’s probably going to be a while before I get a shipment of the new batch, though.

    If I sound overly negative, here’s what’s eating my cheese. I actually don’t want to think about this crap: calories, blood sugar, nutrition, any of it. I’m supposedly paying Rob Rhinehart to do my food-related thinking for me. I appear to be made out of the same biomatter as everyone else so, if Soylent works for him, it should work for me.

    Also, next week I’m leaving town for 10 days. I am probably going to ditch the Soylent until I get back. I might bring a bag or two, but I can’t carry a lot with me. Maybe I’ll just stick to liquids (like soup). Thinking about eating solids is actually starting to sound very unappealing. Progress?

  5. Soylent Diet: Week 3 (July 22, 2016)

    TL;DR: It’s food. Nothing more, nothing less.

    So, this week was weird. It started with my having a bit of a breakdown where I just totally lost my cool over an unplanned extra 250 calories. Truthfully, I was already in a foul mood owing to a particularly stubborn clogged drain, so maybe it’s unfair to put all the blame on Soylent. In any case, I went from “blubbering mess” to “fine and dandy” after I had a few strawberries. I’m telling you, the GI on V1.5 is worse than terrible. The breakdown did make me realize that my approach to Soylent is wrong. I’ve kind of been viewing it as a punishment for spending too much money on food, or as penance for the sin of having to eat to stay alive. I need to ditch the attitude and think of the product as simply “food,” rather than ascribing some kind of value judgement to it. Soylent isn’t a lifestyle, unless you make it one.

    One thing that’s strange about Soylent is just how judgey everyone is about it. The people who really like it treat it with a kind of orthorexic reverence, and “muggles” act like eating Soylent is an insane, snobbish practice. I’m seeing religious parallels here. Apparently there aren’t a lot of people who have a healthy relationship with food, and Soylent is obviously triggering crazy reactions. I think the advent of meal replacers is showing just how deep this dysfunction goes. When you think about it, it’s kind of creepy how people fetishize what they eat.

    Anyway, after that one hicCUP, I managed to adhere to the diet for the remainder of the week without incident. My willingness to do so was because I was traveling. One of my policies before I go on a long trip is to starve myself for a few days. The stress of having to ride a train, sit in a car for endless hours, or go to an airport for my free sexual assault courtesy of the TSA always leaves me feeling sick. With Soylent available, however, I can eat something before trips without getting ill. So, that’s something.

    Even though I feel a little better about the Soylent, I’m ditching it for the next week or two. Since I don’t have to pay for my own food when I’m here, I can eat whatever I want. I still haven’t gained that pound back, but maybe a week and a half of a non-liquid diet will fix that. When I get home, I will do a week of V1.6 and make my final determination about whether or not the diet is sustainable long-term, or at least until the next version comes out.

2.2.2. Review: Soylent Food Bar

(Original/September 30, 2016) Finally! I got my chance at living the post-food dream. I like where this is heading. Let’s discuss.

The Soylent Food Bar is pretty much everything I was hoping for. It basically solves all the problems I had with Soylent, both minor and serious. I haven’t done an all-bar week, but I’m already really satisfied with this iteration.

The good points. Convenience is at max level with the Food Bar. Aside from simply not eating, it doesn’t get any simpler than cramming a rectangle into your mouth. I like food bars in general, so one that’s nutritionally-complete is quite ideal. The packaging is nice and easy to open, which my carpal tunnel appreciates. No layer of Soylent moon dust on the counter. The bar texture is nice, moist and with a slight crisp. Most importantly, I’m not hungry. The bar is, holy crap, actually filling. Also, I get absolutely no indigestion whatsoever. It’s almost perfect. Almost.

The neutral points. The flavor of the bar is “okay,” and it’s nice not having that weird Soylent film in your mouth that you get with the fluid. I’m not going to whine too much about that. It has a sort of caramel taste, probably from the cooked sugars. I honestly couldn’t give a crap about whether or not it’s delicious. Oddly, it tastes nothing like any other version of Soylent I’ve tried. It is awfully sweet, though. Why is there corn syrup in this? I don’t want to eat that, especially not as a staple food. The non-neutral taste is a neutral point for me, but it does seem antithetical to the Soylent philosophy, so to speak.

The bad points. There’s only one, and that’s the price. When these finally came out, I was genuinely surprised. Unpleasantly so. The cost of the Soylent bar caused a lot of complaining on the forums, and I completely agree. They are way, way too expensive, at about $2 each. I might as well just pick up some random granola bar off the shelf for that price. Still, I have to admit that a Food Bar is a heck of a lot cheaper than salads topped with feta cheese, or even tofu stir fry (some of my more regular meals). It might still be worth making the switch. I’d pay good money not to get horrible indigestion and to get rid of that dizzy, low-energy feeling I get when on a Soylent diet.

Overall, I’m okay with this. Not thrilled, but I can live with it. Now I can stop thinking about food and focus on something more important, like socket programming.

EDIT (10/23/2016): Annnd they’re gone.

EDIT (2019): Annnd they're back, as Soylent Squared. They're all right.

3. PART II: LIGHT MEALS

Meals that are 500 calories or less.

3.1. Basilisk Scramble

Strange happenings are afoot at the Angelist High Command. First, The ProFit hears Chad, the rooster, clucking like a hen. The next day, the Reverend discovers an abnormally large egg in the coop. Upon cracking open this egg, it is found that there are not one, but two yolks. A double-yolk egg, in of itself, isn’t necessarily cause for concern. Considering Chad’s strange behavior, however, the only sensible conclusion is that he is responsible for laying the egg. Because Chad is a warlock.

Just like in 1474, when a rooster in Basel, Switzerland was accused of witchcraft, tried, and executed via burning at the stake for laying an egg, Chad has flaunted the natural order by communing with Satan himself. It certainly would explain why he’s such a jerk.

I considered finding a toad and/or froggo to sit on the egg so that I could hatch my own basilisk and thereby become the undisputed King of the Neighborhood, but I was feeling a bit peckish and ended up making a scramble instead, using green bell peppers, onions, and jalapenos from the garden.

Season with salt and pepper, add ketchup or hot sauce, and consume this unholy abomination with toast.

I’m stuffed, but if I begin spontaneously bursting into esoteric incantations or stripping down to my undies to dance under the light of a full moon, I hope you know that it’s all Chad’s fault.

3.2. Burgers

A classic gourmet recipe. Serves one person. Preparation time approximately fifteen minutes.

About 550 calories for two burgers.

3.2.1. Materials

  1. Cutting Board, Skillet or Microwave, Spatula, Knife
  2. 2 Hamburger Buns
    • Wegmans White Hamburger Buns: 130 calories per bun. When I worked in a certain restaurant, we offered “multi-grain” as a “healthier” alternative to normal bread to customers requesting whole wheat. The multi-grain had more calories. Whole wheat is for lying liars. Do you want to be a liar?
    • Arnold Sandwich Thins: 100 calories per bun.
  3. 2 Veggie Burger Patties
    • Boca Veggie Burgers: 70 calories each. Buy the vegan ones if you don’t eat

    eggs.

    • Nature’s Promise Chipotle Black Bean Vegetable Burger: 130 calories per

    patty.

  4. 2 Slices Vegetarian Cheese
    • Go Veggie American Cheese: 40 calories per slice.
    • Daiya Cheese Slices: 70 calories per slice.
  5. Vegetables
    • Lettuce: 8 calories per CUP.
    • Tomato: 12 calories for 4 slices.
    • Onion: 20 calories for 50 g.
  6. Condiments
    • La Choy Teriyaki Sauce: 10 calories per TBSP.
    • Horseradish Mustard: 30 calories for 10 TSP.

3.2.2. Preparation

Step 1. Microwave the veggie patties. If you are feeling frisky, you can cook them in a skillet with some Teriyaki sauce and black pepper on both sides to de-blandify them. Try to get a light char going.

Step 2. Slice the vegetables thinly so that eating the sandwich doesn’t require unhinging your jaw.

Step 3. Assemble sandwich.

3.3. Chili Dogs

Do not, under any circumstances, ever, EVER Google “Sonic the Hedgehog chili dog.” What is wrong with people?

Serves one person. Preparation time about five minutes.

Approximately 380 patriotic calories per serving.

3.3.1. Materials

  1. Bowl, Microwave, Can Opener, Paper Plate
  2. 1 Hot Dog Bun

    +Generic White Bun: 110 calories each.

  3. 1 Vegan Hot Dog

    +Yves Meatless Vegan Hot Dog: 50 calories each.

  4. 1/2 CUP Vegan Chili
    • Amy’s Vegetarian Chili: 140 calories per 1/2 CUP.
  5. 2 Slices Vegetarian American Cheese

    • Go Veggie American Cheese: 40 calories per slice.

      American cheese is required. I don’t care how bad it tastes. #Trump2016

3.3.2. Preparation

Step 1. Microwave the vegan hot dog for about 45 seconds.

Step 2. Microwave the vegetarian chili for about 45 seconds.

Step 3. Put the vegan hot dog in the hot dog bun.

Step 4. Dump the chili sauce on top of it and add the cheese.

Step 5. Serve the sloppy mess on a paper plate and feel bad about yourself as you try and force it down your gullet.

Step 6. I hate hot dogs. And Sonic.

3.4. Egg Salad Sandwiches

I have chickens. I have ducks. We take good care of them and that means I can eat these eggs without guilt, because none of my flock is getting culled via macerator. One of the ways I use all these eggs is in egg salad.

About 799 Calories for Two Sandwiches.

3.4.1. Ingredients

(Rough quantities and calories for 1 sandwich)

  1. 2 Eggies (~140 Calories)
  2. 2 Slices of Bread (~160 Calories)
  3. 3 TBSP Light Mayonnaise or Vegan Alternative (~105 Calories for Light Mayo)
  4. 3 TBSP Diced Onion (12 Calories)
  5. Spices
    • Paprika
    • Cayenne

3.4.2. Method

Note: For two sandwiches, use 3 eggs and add another TBSP of mayo.

Step 1. Boil the eggs. I never time this, but I do leave them in the pot for a good bit because who cares if they are a little over-cooked? Better over than under for egg salad.

Step 2. Chop the eggs and throw them in a bowl.

Step 3. Add the mayo (vegan or otherwise), diced onions, and paprika. To make it spicy, also add cayenne pepper powder. For the paprika and cayenne, I like to use about a teaspoon’s worth of each.

Step 4. Slather on bread slices.

3.5. FLT (Fakon, Lettuce, and Tomato) Sandwich

Serves one person. Preparation time approximately ten minutes.

One sandwich is about 350 calories.

3.5.1. Materials

  1. Cutting board, knife, microwave.
  2. 2 Slices Rye Bread
    • Wegman's Light Rye Bread: 60 calories per slice.
  3. 5 Slices Vegan Bacon
    • Lightlife Smart Bacon: 20 calories per slice.
  4. Vegetables
    • Lettuce: 16 calories per 170 grams.
    • Tomato: 12 calories per 15 grams.
    • (Optional) Onion: 4 calories per 10 grams.
  5. (Optional) Condiments
    • Horseradish Mustard: 15 calories per 5 TSP.
    • Reduced Fat Veganaise: 45 calories per TBSP.
    • Go Veggie American or Cheddar Cheese: 40 calories per slice.
    • No Salt Salt Substitute: 0 calories.
    • Tabasco: 0 calories.

3.5.2. Preparation

Step 1. Toast the bread.

Step 2. Microwave fakon slices.

Step 3. Cut vegetables into slices.

Step 5. Assemble sandwich in the following order: bread, fakon, lettuce, tomato, bread. Add optional condiments, if any.

Step 6. Done.

3.6. Hoagies (Reading, PA Style)

Authentic Pennsylvania-style hoagie sandwich (but vegan).

Serves three. Preparation time approximately ten minutes.

Approximately 460 calories per sandwich.

3.6.1. Materials

  1. Cutting Board, Knife
  2. 3 Steak Rolls
    • Morabito Steak Roll: 170 calories each.
  3. Vegetarian Ham
    • 1 Pack Yves Veggie Cuisine Veggie Ham: 72 calories for 1/3 packet.
  4. Vegetarian Salami
    • 1 Pack Yves Veggie Cuisine Veggie Salami: 58 calories for 1/3 packet.
  5. 6 Slices Vegan Provalone or Swiss Cheese
    • Daiya Cheese Slices: 140 calories for two slices.
  6. Vegetables
    • Lettuce: 8 calories per CUP.
    • Tomato: 12 calories for 4 slices.
    • Onion: 8 calories for 20g.
  7. 3 Tbsp Vegetarian Mayonnaise
    • Reduced Fat Veganaise: 90 calories for 2 TBSP.
  8. Italian Seasoning
  9. Vinegar
    • Apple Cider Vinegar: 0 calories

3.6.2. Preparation

Step 1. Remove the hoagie rolls from their packaging and set aside. Remove the vegan meat substitutes from their packages and separate the slices. On a cutting board, arrange them in a line with the slices overlapping slightly.

Step 2. Cut the tomato and onion into thin slices. Chop the lettuce into shreds.

Step 3. Cut the vegan meat into halves, running the knife horizontally down the meat line.

Step 4. Spread a tablespoon or two of vegan mayonnaise on the bread.

Step 5. Place 2 cheese slices, 1/3 package each vegan meat, 2 tomato slices, some shredded lettuce, and cut onion in each of the rolls.

Step 6. Drizzle the sandwiches with 1 TSP vinegar and add a sprinkling of the Italian Seasoning.

Step 7. Eat hoagie while cleaning your Thompson/Center Contender single-shot pistol.

3.7. Meatball Sub Sandwich

Serves 1. Preparation time approximately five minutes.

Approximately 480 calories per sandwich.

3.7.1. Materials

  1. 1 Steak Roll
    • Morabito Steak Roll: 170 calories each.
  2. 1/3 CUP Pasta Sauce
    • Ragu Chunky Tomato, Garlic, and Onion: 60 calories for 1/3 CUP.
  3. Vegetarian Meatballs
    • Gardein Classic Meatless Meatballs: 250 calories for 5.

3.7.2. Preparation

Step 1. Cut a hoagie roll lengthwise, without cutting all the way through.

Step 2. Microwave the pasta sauce and meatballs.

Step 3. Place the meatball/sauce mixture in the roll.

Step 4. Serve as-is, or with hot sauce and vegan Parmesan cheese.

3.8. Authentic Philly Chez Steak Sandwich

Authentic Pennsylvania-style Philly cheesesteak sandwich (but vegan).

Serves three. Preparation time approximately fifteen minutes.

Approximately 520 calories per sandwich.

3.8.1. Materials

  1. Cutting Board, Knife, Skillet, Spatula Stove
  2. 1 Steak Roll
    • Morabito Steak Roll: 170 calories each.
  3. Vegetarian Steak Strips
    • Wegmans Meatless Beef Strips: 170 calories for 7 strips.
  4. 2 Slices Vegetarian American Cheese
    • Go Veggie American Cheese: 40 calories per slice.
  5. Onion
    • Onion: 8 calories for 20g.
  6. Vegetable Oil
    • Canola Oil: 120 calories per TBSP.

3.8.2. Preparation

Step 1. Cut a hoagie roll lengthwise, without cutting all the way through.

Step 2. Slice the onion and fake meat thinly.

Step 3. In the skillet, add the oil to fry the fake meat and saute the onion.

Step 4. Place the cheese slices in the roll.

Step 5. Use the spatula to arrange the onions and meat into a pile.

Step 6. Quickly turn the roll upside-down on top of the pile. Allow the bread to warm and the cheese to melt.

Step 7. Flip the sandwich back over, using the spatula to keep the contents from falling out of the roll.

Step 8. Serve as-is, or with hot sauce, No Salt, and black pepper.

3.9. Tacos

Serves one person. Preparation time about fifteen minutes.

Approximately 430 calories per serving.

3.9.1. Materials

  1. Bowl, Cutting Board, Knife, Microwave
  2. 3 Taco Shells
    • Ortega Hard Shell Taco: 180 calories for 3 shells.
  3. ~3/4 CUP Vegan Beef
    • Wegman’s Don’t Have a Cow Meatless Beef-Style Crumbles: 130 calories per 3/4 CUP.
    • Lightlife Gimmie Lean Vegetarian Ground Beef: 105 calories per 3 oz.
  4. Vegetables
    • Lettuce: 8 calories for 85 g.
    • Onion: 20 calories for 50 g.
    • Tomato: 12 calories for 15 g.

    You could also use salsa, obviously, if you like paying 5 bucks for vegetables that cost like 2 dollars a lb.

  5. Condiments
    • Daiya Cheddar Flavored Shreds: 45 calories for 2 Tbsp.
    • Ortega Taco Sauce: 20 calories for 2 Tbsp.
    • Vegan Gormet Vegan Sour Cream: 50 calories for 2 Tbsp.
  6. Spices
    • Sazon Goya con Culantro y Achote.

3.9.2. Preparation

Step 1. Add ground soy meat to a bowl. Stir in the Sazon and microwave.

Step 2. Dice vegetables. Add to a separate bowl.

Step 3. Take taco shells out of the box. Or don’t. I haven’t tried using cardboard as a taco shell, but it would surely have less calories.

Step 4. No one actually needs instructions on how to assemble a taco. If you’re really confused, look at the picture on the box of taco shells (assuming you didn’t eat it) and make the taco look like that.

3.10. Potatoes and Green Peppers

Serves one. Preparation time approximately thirty minutes.

Approximately 480 calories per serving.

3.10.1. Materials

  1. Cutting Board, Potato Peeler (Optional), Knife, Skillet, Spatula, Stove
  2. Potatoes
    • Several Russet Potatoes: 169 calories for 1 medium.
  3. Green Bell Peppers
    • 1 Green Bell Pepper: 20 calories.
  4. Jalapeno Pepper
    • 1 Jalapeno Pepper: 6 calories each.
  5. Onion
    • Yellow Onion: 40 calories for 100g.
  6. Teriyaki Sauce
    • La Choy Teriyaki Sauce: 10 calories per TBSP.
  7. Vegetable Oil
    • Canola Oil: 120 calories per TBSP.
  8. Spices
    • Italian Seasoning.
    • Red Pepper Flakes.
    • Black Pepper.

3.10.2. Preparation

Step 1. Peel the potatoes and cut them into chunks. The thinner and smaller they are, the faster they’ll cook.

Step 2: Place the potato pieces into the microwave for a few minutes to get them started, if you want to hurry things up.

Step 3. Pour the canola oil and some teriyaki sauce into a cast iron skillet. Add to the potatoes and cook at medium heat.

Step 4. Chop the vegetables roughly.

Step 5. Add the vegetables to the potatoes as they near the end of the cooking process.

Step 6. Add the spices at the end. Hold your nose as you sprinkle in the black pepper because this dish will make you sneeze. A lot.

Step 7. Serve with Sriracha, Tabasco, or Vinegar.

3.11. Snausages and Green Peppers

Serves one. Preparation time approximately fifteen minutes.

Approximately 675 calories per serving.

3.11.1. Materials

  1. Cutting Board, Knife, Skillet, Spatula, Stove
  2. 2 Vegan Sausages
    • Tofurkey Italian Sausages: 280 calories each.
  3. Green Bell Peppers
    • 1 Green Bell Pepper: 20 calories.
  4. Onion
    • Yellow Onion: 20 calories for 50g.
  5. Teriyaki Sauce
    • La Choy Teriyaki Sauce: 10 calories per TBSP.
  6. 1/2 Tbsp Vegetable Oil
    • Canola Oil: 120 calories per TBSP.
  7. Spices
    • Black Pepper.

3.11.2. Preparation

Step 1. Cut the vegan sausages into chunks about 1 inch in length.

Step 2. Pour canola oil and some teriyaki sauce into a cast iron skillet. Add the sausages and cook at medium heat.

Step 3. Chop vegetables into medium-sized pieces.

Step 4. Remove the sausages from the pan when they’ve charred and plate them.

Step 5. Add the vegetables, a tiny bit more teriyaki, and a sprinkling of black pepper.

Step 6. Plate the vegetables after they’ve softened.

Step 7. Serve with Sriracha and/or salt substitute.

3.12. Spaghetti Squash with Vegan Meatballs

Pasta, which as my 3 avid fans (Me, Myself, and I) all know, is on the Ban List. That means despite its status as one of the simplest meals ever, no spaghetti. Sure, pasta is a cheap way to stay alive, but it tastes weird and makes you fat. A standard serving of spaghetti noodles has 221 calories in it. How many people do you know actually eat only one serving of pasta? None, because pasta isn’t filling and the serving size is like three noodles (one CUP).

But, there is an alternative. An option that is almost as cheap, but actually makes you feel full (but with fiber instead of bubbling fat). The only downside is the length of time it takes to cook, but I’m unemployed anyway so my time isn’t worth anything. Also, it's kind of watery but whatever.

OK, calorie issue: solved. That being said, I still hate spagetti, because I'm sick of the taste of spaghetti sauce.

Serves two people. Preparation time about one hour.

Approximately 560 calories per serving.

3.12.1. Materials

  1. Baking Tray, Big Knife, Cutting Board, Fork, Spoon, Pot, Oven
  2. 1 Medium Spaghetti Squash
    • 2.5 CUPS Spaghetti Squash: 105 calories.
  3. 1 Jar Pasta Sauce
    • Ragu Chunky Tomato, Garlic, and Onion: 180 calories per CUP.
  4. Vegetarian Meatballs
    • Gardein Classic Meatless Meatballs: 250 calories for 5.
  5. Assorted Vegetables (Optional)
    • Green Bell Pepper - Onion - Tomato - Capers

    Total Vegetable Calories: ~25-35.

  6. Spices
    • Italian Seasoning
    • Vegetarian Parmesan Cheese (Go Veggie: 10 calories per TBSP.)
    • Garlic Powder (32 calories per TBSP).
  7. Sauces

    Recommended Hot Sauce Options: Tabasco Original.

3.12.2. Preparation

Step 1. This is the painful part. You must cut the spaghetti squash in twain. The best way to do this is to lay it down on the cutting board and hack off the top part (where the stem is). Now that you have a flat surface instead of a hazardous squash spheroid, stand the squash on its flat end. This provides some stability. Then cut the squash vertically down the center. If you manage to do this without losing an appendage, scoop the pulp out with a spoon or fork and discard it.

Step 2. Line a baking tray with aluminium foil. Place the squash on the tray with the rounded side facing up.

Step 3. Bake squash at 400 degrees F for 30-45 minutes. If the squash meat still feels a little hard after that, bake it some more until it’s tender.

Step 4. When the squash is almost done, heat up the pasta sauce in a bowl. I like to use the pre-made kind and then add extra vegetables to it. Also add some vegan meatballs to the mix.

Step 5. After you take the squash out of the oven, let it cool. If you scrape the meat out right away, the texture won’t be stringy, which is what you want. Use a fork to do the scraping.

Step 6. Dump some sauce on the “noodles” and serve with garlic powder, Italian seasoning, and vegetarian Parmesan.

One annoying thing that always happens is that you’ll get a lot of water dribbling out of the squash after you put it in your food dish. To avoid a runny mess, you might want to drain the excess fluid before adding the sauce.

4. PART III: HEAVY MEALS

More fattening meals that will make it hard for you to fit into your pants.

4.1. Burritos

Serves one person. Preparation time approximately ten minutes.

One serving is about 530 calories.

4.1.1. Materials

  1. Bowl
  2. Ground Soy Meat
    • Gimmie Lean Vegetarian Ground Beef: 122 calories per 1/4 container.
    • Don't Have a Cow Meatless Beef Style Crumbles: 146 calories per 1/4 container.
    • Trader Joe's Soy Chorizo: 175 calories per 1/4 container.
  3. 2 Tortillas
    • Trader Joe's Habanero Lime Tortillas: 150 calories each.
  4. Vegetables
    • 1/2 Green Bell Pepper: 5 calories.
    • 1/2 Jalapeno Pepper: 2 calories.
    • 1 CUP Lettuce, Shredded: 8 calories.
    • 1/2 CUP Onion: 20 calories.
    • 1 Small Tomato: 40 calories.
  5. Sauces/Dressings
    • Hot Sauce Options:
      • Bowman Brother's Bourbon Hot Sauce
      • Tabasco Original
    • Salad Dressing
  6. Spices
    • Sazon Goya y Achote (high in sodium so don't go nuts).

4.1.2. Preparation

Step 1. Set the table.

Step 2. Add sazon to the vegan ground beef and nuke it.

Step 3. Dice the vegetables.

Step 4. Assemble a burrito.

Step 5. Put the burrito in your face.

4.2. Cast Iron Sausages and Green Peppers

Serves one. Preparation time approximately fifteen minutes.

Approximately 675 calories per serving.

4.2.1. Materials

  1. Cutting Board, Knife, Skillet, Spatula, Stove
  2. 2 Vegan Sausages
    • Tofurkey Italian Sausages: 280 calories each.
  3. 1 Green Bell Pepper
    • Green Bell Pepper: 20 calories each.
  4. 1/2 Onion
    • Yellow Onion: 20 calories for 50g.
  5. Teriyaki Sauce
    • La Choy Teriyaki Sauce: 10 calories per TBSP.
  6. 1/2 Tbsp Vegetable Oil
  7. Canola Oil

    120 calories per TBSP.

  8. Spices
    • Black Pepper.

4.2.2. Preparation

Step 1. Cut the vegan sausages into chunks about 1 inch in length.

Step 2. Pour canola oil and some teriyaki sauce into a cast iron skillet. Add the sausages and cook at medium heat.

Step 3. Chop vegetables into medium-sized pieces.

Step 4. Remove the sausages from the pan when they’ve charred and plate them.

Step 5. Add the vegetables, a tiny bit more teriyaki, and a sprinkling of black pepper.

Step 6. Plate the vegetables after they’ve softened.

Step 7. Serve with Sriracha and/or salt substitute.

4.3. Falafel Wraps

Serves one person. Preparation time approximately ten minutes.

One serving is about 750 calories for two wraps (plus a side salad)urprisingly fattening at around 750.

Do you like launching projectiles out of a metal tube? Then why not do so while eating hummus out of a tortilla tube?

4.3.1. Materials

  1. Bowl, Cast Iron Skillet, Spatula
  2. Hummus
    • 4 Tbsp Hummus, Store-Bought or Home-Made.
  3. Falafel
  4. 2 Tortillas
    • Trader Joe's Habanero Lime Tortillas: 150 calories each.
  5. Vegetables
    • 1/2 Green Bell Pepper: 5 calories.
    • 1/2 Jalapeno Pepper: 2 calories.
    • 1 CUP Lettuce, Shredded: 8 calories.
    • 1/2 CUP Onion: 20 calories.
    • 1 Small Tomato: 40 calories.
  6. Sauces/Dressings
    • Hot Sauce Options:
      • Bowman Brother's Bourbon Hot Sauce
      • Tabasco Original
    • Salad Dressing
  7. Spices
    • Sazon Goya y Achote (High in sodium so don't go nuts. Or go nuts. Whatever).

4.3.2. Preparation

Step 1. Set the table.

Step 2. Prepare falafel by adding water to falafel mix and cooking in a cast iron skillet. Amount of water needed should be on the box.

Step 3. Slice the vegetables.

Step 4. Apply hummus, falafel, and vegetables to tortilla.

Step 5. Use any extra vegetables for a side salad.

4.4. Ground Beef And Rice

Source: My mother.

4.4.1. Materials

  1. Measuring Cups, Spoon, Knife, Saucepan, Rice Cooker
  2. 1 LB Vegan Beef
  3. 15 OZ Tomato Sauce
  4. 1 CUP Water
  5. Sofrito
    • 1/2 Green Bell Pepper
    • 1 Onion
    • 4 Cloves of Garlic, OR Garlic Powder
    • Cilantro (To Taste)
  6. Dash of Olive Oil
  7. Oregano OR Italian Seasoning (To Taste)
  8. Salt (To Taste)
  9. Pepper (To Taste)
  10. 2 Packets Sazon Seasoning

4.4.2. Preparation

Step 1. Defrost vegan beef.

Step 2. Dump stuff in saucepan.

Step 3. Apply heat.

Step 4. Taste it. Add more seasonings if needed.

4.5. Mexican Spread

Mexican cuisine is made from super cheap, calorie-dense ingredients. You’re seriously overpaying if you are ordering it from a restaurant. That’s why you should make it at home. It is quick and easy to make Mexican-inspired meals as long as you have a sense of the flavors that give Mexican food its distinctive taste (mostly cheese flavor). You’ll need plenty of cilantro, salt, tomato, onion, and something to make it spicy (Tabasco is good enough). If you are cooking for a lot of people, you can get them full of calories at minimal cost by preparing a spread such as the one I am about to describe.

Preparing Mexican food is not an exact science; there is a lot of flexibility when it comes to the recipes. The best way to know whether you’ve done it right is just to do a taste test. You’ll know if something is missing.

Tostones. Okay, so these are actually a Puerto Rican thing, but I like them and I make what I want. Tostones are twice-fried plantains. Peel a green plantain and slice it like you would a banana if you were putting it on cereal, except make the slices about an inch apart. Slice at an steep angle for extra authenticity points. Heat 5 TBSP of vegetable oil in a pan and toss the plantain slices in the pan. Cook them for 3 1/2 minutes on each side, then take them out and smush them flat. Dip the squished plantains in cold water and put them back in the pan for another 2 minutes, 1 minute per side. Sprinkle salt on them and serve hot.

Alternatively, make plantain chips for a slightly healthier option. For chips, preheat an oven to 400 degrees F. Slice green plantains thinly and place them in a bowl with vegetable oil (1 1/2 TBSP per plantain) and salt. You could also add pepper and other spices, or even make them sweet by coating them in cinnamon and sugar instead. Coat the plantain slices well and place on a baking tray lined with parchment paper. Bake for about 8 minutes and take them out to flip, then return to the oven for another 15-20 minutes or until golden-brown and crispy. Place the finished chips in a bowl lined with paper towels to soak up excess oil and serve hot. They do keep for a few days in a sealed container on the counter, but they won’t be as good.

Mexican fried rice. Boil yellow rice. When the rice is finished, transfer it to a frying pan containing a little vegetable oil. Add canned black beans, canned corn, puréed tomatoes or tomato sauce, diced onions, whole green olives (the ones with the red things inside), minced garlic, and cilantro. Cook until slightly toasted. The amount of each ingredient you add depends on your taste preferences.

Cheese quesadillas. Spray a skillet or frying pan with no-stick baking spray and place a flour tortilla on the skillet. Add cheese (vegan or otherwise) to one side of the tortilla and fold it in half. Allow the tortilla to brown slightly and the cheese to melt a bit. Flip the tortilla over and brown it on the other side. Remove from pan and cut into halves.

Black beans. Add a can of black or red kidney beans to a pot, fluid included. Fill the empty can with water and add that to the pot, too. Throw in a tablespoon of oil, a bit of tomato paste (about half the amount in one of those small cans), sazon (this seasoning is usually in the same aisle with all the Goya stuff), and cilantro. Cook until tender, but not too long. You’re basically just heating it up.

Refried beans (canned). Refried beans are sometimes made with lard. Always check labels.

Flour tortillas. Buy the cheapest ones you can find. They all taste the same.

Grilled chicken. If you are a vegetarian, get something like Gardien Chick’n Strips. This product is similar to the grilled chicken you’d see in a Mexican restaurant.

Burrito toppings. Jalapino peppers, mixed cheese, lettuce, sour cream, and salsa. The salsa can be store-bought and padded out with extra tomato and onion as I did here, or homemade.

Fruit salsa with cinnamon sugar tortilla chips. Looks impressive, takes almost no effort. The fruit salsa is just a bit of sugar and orange juice, mixed in with diced strawberries, bananas, pears, peaches, and whatever other fruit is on sale. Mango is also a good option. The chips are those same flour tortillas you’ve been using for everything else, but cut into wedges and baked. Spray them with no-stick canola oil and sprinkle with sugar and cinnamon. Bake at 350 degrees F until crunchy, which is about ten minutes. I swear, it took longer to type this out than it did to make it.

There, I just saved you Mexican-food junkies a crapton of money. You’re welcome.

4.6. Spaghetti Squash and Meatballs

Serves two people. Preparation time about one hour.

Approximately 560 calories per serving.

4.6.1. Materials

  1. Baking Tray, Big Knife, Cutting Board, Fork, Spoon, Pot, Oven
  2. 1 Medium Spaghetti Squash
    • 2.5 CUPS Spaghetti Squash: 105 calories.
  3. 1 Jar Pasta Sauce
    • Ragu Chunky Tomato, Garlic, and Onion: 180 calories per CUP.
  4. Vegetarian Meatballs
    • Gardein Classic Meatless Meatballs: 250 calories for 5.
  5. Assorted Vegetables (Optional)
    • Green Bell Pepper
    • Onion
    • Tomato
    • Capers

    Total Vegetable Calories: ~25-35.

  6. Spices
    • Italian Seasoning
    • Vegetarian Parmesan Cheese (Go Veggie: 10 calories per TBSP.)
    • Garlic Powder (32 calories per TBSP).
  7. Sauces
    • Recommended Hot Sauce Options:
      • Tabasco Original.

4.6.2. Preparation

Step 1. This is the painful part. You must cut the spaghetti squash in twain. The best way to do this is to lay it down on the cutting board and hack off the top part (where the stem is). Now that you have a flat surface instead of a hazardous squash spheroid, stand the squash on its flat end. This provides some stability. Then cut the squash vertically down the center. If you manage to do this without losing an appendage, scoop the pulp out with a spoon or fork and discard it.

Step 2. Line a baking tray with aluminium foil. Place the squash on the tray with the rounded side facing up.

Step 3. Bake squash at 400 degrees F for 30-45 minutes. If the squash meat still feels a little hard after that, bake it some more until it’s tender.

Step 4. When the squash is almost done, heat up the pasta sauce in a bowl. I like to use the pre-made kind and then add extra vegetables to it. Also add some vegan meatballs to the mix.

Step 5. After you take the squash out of the oven, let it cool. If you scrape the meat out right away, the texture won’t be stringy, which is what you want. Use a fork to do the scraping.

Step 6. Dump some sauce on the “noodles” and serve with garlic powder, Italian seasoning, and vegetarian Parmesan.

One annoying thing that always happens is that you’ll get a lot of water dribbling out of the squash after you put it in your food dish. To avoid a runny mess, you might want to drain the excess fluid before adding the sauce.

4.7. Stir Fry Tofu

Serves two people. Preparation time approximately one hour.

Approximately 375 calories per serving (without rice).

4.7.1. Materials

  1. Wok, Pot, Spatula, Knife

    Pot only required if cooking rice.

  2. 1 Package Tofu, Firm or Extra Firm

    Calories are brand-dependent.

    • Nasoya Organic Extra-Firm Tofu: 187 calories per 1/2 package.
    • Wegman's Extra-Firm Tofu: 200 calories per 1/2 package.
    • Pulmone Organic Firm Tofu: 210 calories per 1/2 package.
    • Trader Joe's Extra Firm Tofu: 245 calories per 1/2 package.
  3. Vegetables

    Standard

    • 1/2-1 Green Bell Pepper
    • 1 Onion
    • 1 Jalapeno Pepper

    Variants

    • 1-2 CUPS Snow Peas
    • 3 CUPS Bean Sprouts
  4. 1-2 Tbsp Minced Garlic
    • Minced garlic: 5 calories per TBSP.
  5. 1 Tbsp Vegetable Oil
    • Canola Oil: 120 calories per TBSP.
  6. 3-5 Tbsp Teriyaki Sauce

    Low-sodium versions suck and don't cook the tofu properly.

    • La Choy Teriyaki Sauce: 10 calories per TBSP.
    • Kikoman Teriyaki Sauce: 15 calories per TBSP.
  7. 1 Tbsp Black Bean or Black Pepper Sauce
    • Lee Kum Lee Black Pepper Sauce: 25 calories per TBSP.
  8. Spices

    Red Pepper Flakes

  9. (Optional) White, Medium-Grain Rice
    • White Rice: 242 calories per CUP.

    Substitute with tofu shiritaki noodles (20 calories per package) or seaweed noodles (25 calories per 100 grams) for less calories.

  10. (Optional) Chili Garlic Sauce

4.7.2. Preparation

Step 1. Start cooking the rice or, if using noodles, rinse noodles well and place them into bowl.

Step 2. Drain the tofu and then cube into pieces about 1x1 inches.

Step 3. Pour oil into wok and turn stove to medium-high heat. Place the tofu cubes in the pan. Add a splash of teriyaki sauce.

Step 4. Roughly chop vegetables and set aside.

Step 5. Flip tofu cubes occasionally, but not too often or they will break. Ideally they should have a crust on all sides. Add teriyaki sauce if they stick to the pan.

Step 6. Add minced garlic and red pepper flakes.

Step 7. Remove tofu from the pan and add to bowl.

Step 8. Place vegetables into the wok while pan is still hot. Do not add more oil, but add another TBSP of teriyaki sauce and black pepper sauce. Add more minced garlic and red pepper flakes.

Step 9. Fry vegetables until they are tender but still a little crunchy.

Step 10. Serve with chili garlic sauce or Siracha (5 calories per TSP) for extra heat and flavor.

4.8. Strombolii

Serves two or three humans. Preparation time approximately one hour (not including defrosting pizza dough).

Half of the strombolii is approximately 1100 calories. JESUS CHRIST U FAT.

4.8.1. Materials

  1. Baking Tray, Spatula, Cutting Board, Knife, Oven
  2. Pizza Dough
    • Giant Pizza Dough Ball: 520 calories for 1/2 ball.
  3. 1/2 Jar Pizza Sauce
    • Ragu Traditional Pizza Sauce: 135 calories for 1/2 a jar.
  4. 1 Package Vegetarian Cheese Shreds
    • Daiya Mozzarella or Pepper Jack: 360 calories per 1/2 packet.

    • Go Veggie Vegetarian Mozzarella Shreds: 210 calories per 1/2 packet.

      (Contains dairy by-products)

  5. 1 Package Vegetarian Pepperoni
    • Yves Veggie Cuisine Pepperoni: 160 calories per 1/2 packet.
  6. 1 Package Vegetarian Ham
    • Yves Veggie Cuisine Ham: 70 calories for 4 slices.
  7. 1 Package Vegetarian Salami
    • Yves Veggie Cuisine Salami: 80 calories for 5 slices.
  8. Assorted Vegetables
    • Green Bell Pepper
    • Onion
    • Jalapeno Peppers
    • Black Olives

    Calories: Considering how many calories you're eating in bread, I wouldn't bother calculating this.

  9. Spices
    • Italian Seasoning
    • Red Pepper Flakes
    • Garlic Powder
  10. Sauces
    • Hot Sauce Options:
      • Tabasco Original
      • Henry's African Fatali Hot Sauce
      • Bowman Brother's Bourbon Hot Sauce

4.8.2. Preparation

Step 1. Defrost pizza dough (or make your own).

Step 2. Stretch pizza dough until it is about 12x12 inches. Place onto baking tray.

Step 3. Glob a layer of pizza sauce onto one side of the sheet of dough.

Step 4. Add a layer of vegan ham to add structural integrity.

Step 5. Apply cheese, other meat ingredients, and sauce in alternating layers until most of the packages of ingredients are used up.

Step 6. Vegetables go on top of the pile.

Step 7. Add red pepper flakes.

Step 8. Take other half of dough sheet and fold it over to make a giant pocket. Seal the edges well by pinching the dough together. Any weaknesses will result in leakage.

Step 9. Score the top of the stromboli with a sharp knife.

Step 10. Sprinkle Italian seasoning on top.

Step 11. Bake at 365 degree F for about half an hour.

Step 12. Remove from oven and slice into six pieces.

Step 13. Serve with hot sauce and garlic powder.

Step 14. Enter food coma.

4.9. Vegan Pizza

Makes three pizzas. Serves two people. Preparation time about one hour.

Approximately 785 calories per serving.

4.9.1. Materials

  1. Baking Tray, Spatula, Pizza Cutter, Cutting Board, Knife, Oven

    0 calories

  2. 3 Pizza Crusts
    • Flat Out Thin Crusts: 120 calories per piece.
  3. 1 Jar Pizza Sauce
    • Ragu Traditional Pizza Sauce: 270 calories per jar.
  4. Vegetarian Pepperoni
    • Yves Vegetarian Cuisine Pepperoni: 160 calories per 1/2 packet.
  5. 1 Package Vegetarian Cheese Shreds
    • Daiya Mozzarella or Pepper Jack: 360 calories per 1/2 packet.

    • Go Veggie Vegetarian Mozzarella Shreds: 210 calories per 1/2 packet.

      (Contains dairy by-products)

  6. Assorted Vegetables
    • Green Bell Pepper
    • Onion
    • Jalapeno Peppers
    • Black Olives

    Calories: ~25-35

  7. Spices
    • Italian Seasoning
    • Red Pepper Flakes
    • Garlic Powder
  8. Sauces
    • Hot Sauce Options:
      • Tabasco Original
      • Henry's African Fatali Hot Sauce
      • Bowman Brother's Bourbon Hot Sauce

4.9.2. Preparation

Step 1. Dice vegetables. Do not use too many or the pizza will become soggy.

Step 2. Assemble pizza ingredients in the following order: baking tray, crust, sauce, cheese, pepperoni, vegetables.

Step 3. Insert pizza into oven at 350-375 degrees F for about 20 minutes.

Step 4. Remove pizza from oven when cheese is melted, vegetables appear dehydrated, and crust is crisp.

Step 5. Partition pizza into manageable slices.

Step 6. Add seasonings and hot sauce to taste.

Step 7. Eat pizza.

4.9.3. Recipe Variant

(The Pita-za): If you don’t have much time, but still really want a pizza, spread pizza toppings on a piece of pita bread and microwave.

5. PART V: SIDE DISHES AND SAUCES

5.1. Butter Rum Acorn Squash

Need a side dish for a Th0xsgiving or SuXmas Tofurkey? Make this for those holidays you spend alone because your family thinks vegetarianism is deranged and probably Satanic.

Serves two people—or one with leftovers for tomorrow. Preparation time about one hour, fifteen minutes.

Approximately 214 unholy calories per serving (virgin blood not included).

5.1.1. Materials

  1. Bowl, Measuring Cups/Spoons, Spoon, Knife, Baking Pan, Aluminium Foil, Oven
  2. 1-1 1/4 Lb Acorn Squash
    • 1 Lb Acorn Squash: 181 calories.
  3. 2 Tbsp (Packed) Brown Sugar
    • Domino Brown Sugar, Packed: 45 calories per TBSP.
  4. 2 Tbsp Melted Margerine or Butter
    • Earth Balance Butter: 100 calories per TBSP.
  5. 1/8 Tsp Ground Cinnamon
  6. 1/8 Tsp Ground Allspice or Nutmeg
  7. 2 Tbsp Dark Rum

    • McCormick Imitation Rum Extract: 19 calories per TSP.

      (1-1/2 TSP extract = 1 TBSP dark rum.)

5.1.2. Preparation

Step 1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

Step 2. Butter a 13x9x2 inch glass baking dish (or baking pan you have).

Step 3. Cut the top and bottom off the squash. Disembowel the squash and discard the innards (or offer them to the Dark Lord).

Step 4. Cut squash crosswise into 1/2 thick inch rings, or just halve it because you’re super lazy.

Step 5. Arrange squash rings in the prepared dish so that they overlap slightly.

Step 6. Mix sugar and spices in a small bowl.

Step 7. Sprinkle sugar-spice mixture over the squash, then drizzle the squash with butter and rum.

Step 8. Cover the baking dish with foil and bake the squash for 30 minutes.

Step 9. Remove the squash from the oven. Turn the squash over and bake an additional 15 minutes or until very tender.

Step 10. Serve the squash. Drizzle any juices from the dish onto the final product.

Step 11. Hail Satan.

5.2. Cauliflower Mashed "Potatoes"

Potatoes. They have calories. Specifically, one Idaho potato (438 g) has about 110. Cauliflower has calories too, at about 25 per 100 g. Both can be mashed.

To make cauliflower mashed potatoes, you need a pot, a bowl, and a blender (or an arm). Boil a head’s worth of cauliflower florets in a big pot of water until they are mushy. Take them out and put them in the blender with a tablespoon of canola oil (120 calories) and some black pepper. Or, if you’re like me (cheap and hate owning appliances), just toss the boiled florets in a bowl and squish them yourself.

I usually don’t add the oil. A few times I added mineral oil (0 calories) instead of vegetable oil because the human body cannot digest mineral oil and also because I have bad ideas.

That’s all there is to it. By the way, don’t use mineral oil. Bad things will happen.

5.3. Hummus

5.3.1. Materials

  1. Bowl, Can Opener, Food Processor
  2. 400g Chickpeas
  3. 2 TSP Tahini
  4. Garlic
    • Minced Garlic
    • 1 Garlic Clove
  5. 3 Tbsp Olive Oil
  6. 2 TBSP Lemon Juice
  7. Spices
    • Salt
    • Pepper
    • Paprika (optional)
    • Parsley (for decoration)

5.3.2. Preparation

Step 1. Drain the chickpeas. Save the fluid.

Step 2. Rinse the chickpeas under cold water.

Step 3. Put the chickpeas and other materials into a food processor and blenderize.

Step 4. Add chickpea fluid gradually whilst blending until it has a smooth consistency.

Step 5. Put the hummus into a serving dish. Add olive oil, chickpeas, paprika, and parsley as garnish (optional).

5.4. Mashed Potatoes

The ProFit and I are guilty of eating too many single-component meals, which we’ve realized is making it hard to lose weight. It seems obvious, but we had to independently discover this. Family dinners weren't a thing in my childhood, so I got into the habit of eating mono-diets. One meal = one ingredient + seasoning. The thing with only consuming “main dishes”, however, is that they are usually the most calorie-dense portion of a meal. Instead of simply scorfing down a bag of vegan chicken nuggets for dinner, we need to get over our learned laziness and instead eat half a bag + low calorie side dishes.

Mashed potatoes are a good choice because potatoes are cheap to buy, easy to grow, and keep for a long time if stored properly (though that seems to be less true these days. Not sure why store-bought potatoes rot so quickly, but I keep a close eye on them, since the off-gassing from rotting potatoes is toxic).

Therefore, for future reference, here are a few tips for tasty vegan mashed potatoes:

  1. You don’t need a food processor for small portions. Think about how long it takes to clean a food processor vs. how long it takes to mash the potatoes yourself with a fork. I really dislike involving appliances when a bit of elbow grease will do just fine. Plus, you’ll burn a calorie.
  2. For about 3 large Idaho potatoes, add about 1/2 CUP unflavored almond milk to make them creamier.
  3. Add a few tablespoons of margarine for some extra flavor.
  4. Add a dash of salt and pepper.
  5. I’ve found vegan gravy from certain brands to be watery and thin. Adding some cornstarch will help thicken it, but stir well or you’ll have lumps.

5.5. Strawberry-Chia Seed Jam

This is another one of those informal “recipes” where I basically just explain what I did in broad terms and don’t offer any real instructions, so you can go ahead and ignore this entry.

Sometimes, the strawberries keep coming. There are too many to eat. What's that, you say? Ignore them? Let them rot on the vine? I tried, But, like an automaton that can’t overcome its programming, me see red berry, me pick red berry. I can’t help myself. Pie alone ("Phase I" of the Strawberry Elimination Mission) isn’t going to get rid of the bags of berries taking up space in the freezer.

"Phase II" is…jam.

After glancing at a recipe or two online, I learned that you can use chia seeds as a thickener. I just so happen to have a bag of chia seeds that I bought for reasons I can’t remember. Might as well use them now, as their original purpose is lost to time.

Directions

To make strawberry jam, add a few CUPS of mashed strawberries (use a food processor to blend them) to a pot along with 1-2 TBSP of chia seeds per 1 CUP of berries. Then turn the heat to high on your stove and boil, stirring constantly, until it is thick enough to spread on toast. Allow to cool, then refrigerate.

  • Add more chia seeds if, even after cooking it until the water largely boiled off, the jam is still thin.
  • If the jam is too tart, add plain white sugar until it’s palatable.
  • Not sure how long it lasts in the fridge, but you should only make as much jam as you can eat over the next few days.

5.6. Vegan Tartar Sauce

The United States’ favorite condiment is: mayonnaise. In fact, the population consumes two billion dollars worth of the stuff a year. Go to any Walmart in small town America and you’ll see aisles full of mayo jars, squirt bottles, and gallon-sized jugs. There’s so much for sale that the product often spills out onto the end-aisle displays.

I’ve always disliked it, except in the context of egg/tuno salads. The color is a horrible, yellowish off-white, and it’s basically just fat in a jar. If I need mayo for a recipe, I usually use the vegan substitute made by Follow Your Heart. It works well enough. I don’t, however, think their vegan tartar sauce is quite right. If I need tartar sauce I make it myself, using normal Vegenaise as a base. It’s great on soy-based seafood such as Gardien’s Fishless Fillets.

Also, I just noticed that Vegenaise is spelled with an “e.” Weird.

Preparation time approximately five minutes.

Approximately 60 calories per serving (about 2 Tbsp).

5.6.1. Materials

  1. Cutting Board, Knife, Bowl
  2. 1/4 CUP Vegan Mayonnaise
    • Follow Your Heart Reduced Fat Vegenaise: 50 calories per Tbsp.
  3. 3-4 Tbsp Dill Relish
    • Great Value Dill Relish: <5 calories per TBSP.
  4. 3 Tbsp Diced Onion
    • White Onion: 4 calories per TBSP.
  5. 2-3 Tbsp Lemon Juice
    • Fresh Lemon Juice: 4 calories per TBSP.

5.6.2. Preparation

Step 1. Dice onion finely.

Step 2. Add vegan mayonnaise to a bowl.

Step 3. Add the relish, onion, and lemon juice to the mayonnaise.

Step 4. Stir sauce and taste. Repeat steps 3 and 4 until you get the perfect sour taste.

Step 5. Apply sauce to fake fish sandwiches or other “seafood.”

6. PART V: BAKING

This stuff actually might make you fat and takes 5evar to cook. Employ these recipes sparingly and feel bad about yourself afterwards, sinner.

6.1. Baked Bread I

Source: https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/basic-homemade-bread/

Preparation Time: 20 minutes + Rise: 2 hours + Bake: 30 minutes + Cooling

Nutritional Information

1 slice: 102 calories, 1g fat (trace saturated fat), 0mg cholesterol, 222mg sodium, 20g carbohydrate (1g sugars, 1g fiber), 3g protein.

16 slices per loaf.

6.1.1. Materials

  1. Mixing Bowl, Measuring Cups and Spoons, Mixing Spoon, Bread Pan, Oven
  2. 1 Package (1/4oz) Active Dry Yeast
  3. 2-1/4 CUPS warm water (110° to 115°)
  4. 3 Tbsp Sugar
  5. 1 Tbsp Salt
  6. 2 Tbsp Canola Oil
  7. 6-1/4 to 6-3/4 CUPS All-Purpose Flour
  8. Cooking Spray

6.1.2. Preparation

Step 1. Add yeast and warm water to mixing bowl and allow the yeast to dissolve.

Step 2. Add sugar, salt, oil, 3 CUPS flour, and yeast water to mixing bowl.

Step 3. Mix dough, adding in remaining flour if needed.

Step 4. Knead dough until it is smooth and elastic.

Step 5. Grease bread pan and place dough ball inside. Cover the ball and allow to rise in a warm place until it has doubled in size (1-1/2 hours).

Step 6. Punch the dough down.

Step 7. Divide dough ball in half.

Step 8. Place dough into two greased baking pans and cover. Allow to rise until it has doubled in size (30-45 minutes).

Step 9. Bake loaves in oven at 375 degrees F for 30-35 minutes, or until golden-brown.

Step 10. Remove loaves from pan and allow to cool.

6.2. Baked Bread II

Source: Modified from Elizabeth Yetter, https://www.thespruceeats.com/super-easy-bread-for-beginners-428108

Preparation Time: 180 minutes + bake: 45 minutes = total: 225 minutes

Yield: 1 loaf

6.2.1. Materials

  1. Mixing Bowl, Measuring CUPS and Spoons, Mixing Spoon, Bread Pan, Oven
  2. 3/4 CUP Warm Water
  3. 1 Package Active Dry Yeast (2-1/4 Tsp)
  4. 1 TSP Salt
  5. 1-1/2 Tbsp Sugar
  6. 1 TBSP Vegetable Shortening
  7. 1/2 CUP Milk Substitute
  8. 3 CUPS All-purpose Flour

6.2.2. Preparation

Step 1. Add yeast and warm water to mixing bowl and allow the yeast to dissolve.

Step 2. Add sugar, salt, shortening and 2 CUPS flour to mixing bowl.

Step 3. Mix dough, adding in remaining flour if needed. Dough should "chase" the spoon around the bowl.

Step 4. Knead dough until it is smooth and elastic.

Step 5. Grease or butter bread pan and place dough ball inside. Cover the ball and allow to rise in a warm place until it has doubled in size (1 hour).

Step 6. Punch the dough down.

Step 7. Place dough into greased baking pans and cover. Allow to rise until it has doubled in size (30 minutes).

Step 8. Score the dough with a knife and sprinkle flour on top.

Step 9. Bake loaf in oven at 375 degrees F for 45 minutes, or until golden-brown.

Step 10. Remove loaf from pan and allow to cool.

6.2.3. Bread Crusts:

  • Brush loaf with butter immediately after baking for a soft crust.
  • Brush loaf with milk before baking for a dark, shiny crust.
  • Brush loaf with egg white before baking for a shiny crust.
  • Spray loaf with water during baking for a crispy crust.

6.3. Blonde Brownies

Vegan version of a recipe originally from S’Moore’s Caffe in Augusta, GA.

Serves 24. Preparation time about one hour.

Approximately 205 calories per serving. Calories if you eat the whole batch: 4,917.

Additional Nutritional Information (Per Serving) Carbs 30g, Fat 10g, Protein 2g, Sodium 63mg, Sugar 20g

6.3.1. Materials

  1. 2 Bowls, Mixing Spoon/Whisk, Measuring Cups/Spoons, Baking Pan, Oven, Baking Rack (Optional)
  2. 2 CUPS All-Purpose Flour
    • Generic White All-Purpose Flour: 910 calories for 2 CUPS.
  3. 1 TSP Baking Powder
  4. 3/4 TSP Salt
  5. 1/4 TSP Baking Soda
  6. 10 Tbsp Earth Balance

    Note: If you don’t want to make this vegan, use the same amount (1 1/4 sticks) of unsalted butter.

  7. 2 CUPS Packed Brown Sugar
    • (Packed) Brown Sugar: 1672 calories for 2 CUPS.
  8. 2 Eggs Worth of Egg Replacer
    • Ener-G Egg Replacer: 30 calories for 3 TSP

    (1 egg = 1 1/2 TSP dry Egg Replacer plus 2 TBSP water.)

    • Two Real Eggs: 70 calories per egg.
  9. 2 TSP Vanilla Extract
    • Alcohol-Based Imitation Vanilla Extract: 10 calories per TSP.
  10. 3/4 CUP Vegan Chocolate Chips
    • Enjoy Life Dairy-Free Mini Chocolate Chips: 638 calories for 4 1/2 oz.
  11. 3/4 CUP Chopped Pecans

    • Chopped Pecans: 597 calories for 3 oz.

      Note: Only use pecans if you really need to kiss butt. They are freaking expensive.

6.3.2. Preparation

Step 1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Step 2. Butter and flour a 13x9x2 inch baking pan. That’s what the recipe says. I’d just stick them in whatever you have and hope for the best.

Step 3. Mix flour, 1 TSP baking powder, 3/4 TSP salt, and 1/4 TSP baking soda in a medium bowl.

Step 4. Melt margarine (or butter) in a saucepan over low heat (or nuke it in a bowl).

Step 5. Add sugar to margarine and whisk or stir to blend.

Step 6. Add egg replacer (or eggs) and vanilla extract to wet ingredients.

Step 7. Gradually stir in flour mixture. Batter should be thick.

Step 8. Spread batter in baking pan.

Step 9. Sprinkle with chocolate chips and pecans.

Step 10. Bake for 25 minutes, or until toothpick inserted into center comes out with moist crumbs attached.

Step 11. Cover and allow to cool on a wire rack (if you have one).

Step 12. Cut into squares.

Step 13. Can be prepared 1 day in advance. Feed to co-workers or family members while you awkwardly avoid eating them yourself because you know how many calories they have.

6.4. Cheesecake (Cashew Nut) (UNTESTED)

Source: https://thegreedyvegan.com/cashew-cream-cheesecake/

Approximately 448 calories per serving.

Additional Nutritional Information (Per Serving) Carbs 30g, Fat 35g, Protein 9g, Sodium 10mg, Sugar 18g

6.4.1. Materials

  1. Mixing Bowl, Measuring CUPS, Food Processor
  2. 200 Grams Cashews
  3. 80 ML Coconut Oil
  4. 125 ML Full Fat Coconut Milk
  5. 3 TSP Lemon Juice
  6. 1 TSP Vanilla Extract
  7. 65 ML Agave Syrup

6.4.2. Preparation

Step 1. Figure out what base/crust to use and prepare it.

Step 2. Soak cashews for 4-6 hours in cold water, or boil them for 15 minutes. Dry them well.

Step 3. Pour filling ingredients into food processor and blend until smooth.

Step 4. Pour filling on crust.

Step 5. Allow cheesecake to set in fridge for 2-5 hours.

Step 6. Store in fridge for up to a week or in the freezer for up to a month.

6.5. Chocolate Chip Cookies

Source: Michelle

6.5.1. Materials

  1. 2 CUPS Flour
  2. 1 TSP Baking Powder
  3. 3/4 TSP Baking Soda
  4. 1/2 TSP Salt
  5. 1/2 CUP Chocolate Chips (or a little extra if you be loving some chocolate chips)
  6. (PROBABLY OPTIONAL) 1/2 CUP Oats
  7. 1/2 CUP Brown Sugar (Packed)
  8. 1/2 CUP White Sugar
  9. 1/2 CUP Canola Oil
  10. 1/2 CUP + 1 TBSP Water
  11. 1 TBSP Vanilla Extract

6.5.2. Preparation

Step 1. In first bowl, mix together flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, chocolate chips, oats. Step 2. In second bowl, mix together sugars, canola oil, water, vanilla. Step 3. Add first bowl to second bowl and mix together. Step 4. Form dough into balls and place onto lined baking sheet. Step 5. Bake at 350 degrees F for 14 minutes.

6.6. Chocolate-Covered Strawberries

Serves 24. Approximately 115 calories per serving.

Additional Nutritional Information (Per Serving) Carbs 12.7g, Fat 7.3g, Protein 1.4g, Sodium 31.3mg, Sugar 10.9g, 6.2mg Cholesterol

6.6.1. Materials

  1. Microwave Safe Bowl, Spoon, Baking Tray, Wax Paper
  2. 16 OZ Milk Chocolate Chips
  3. 2 TBSP Shortening
  4. 1 LB Strawberries (W/ Leaves)

6.6.2. Preparation

Step 1. Microwave chocolate and shortening.

Step 2. Stir mixture.

Step 3. Hold strawberries by the leaves and dip into chocolate.

Step 4. Place dipped strawberries on baking tray, lined with wax paper, and refrigerate.

6.7. Corn Bread/Muffins

Adapted from Indian Head’s Golden Yellow Corn Bread recipe.

Serves 6 people. Preparation time about forty-five minutes.

Approximately 275 calories per serving.

Additional Nutrition Facts (Per Serving) Carbs 41g, Fat 11g, Protein 5g, Sodium 1300mg, Sugar 10g

6.7.1. Materials

  1. Bowl, Hand-Mixer, Bread Pan/Muffin Pan, Oven
  2. 1 CUP Corn Meal
    • Indian Head Corn Meal: 100 calories per CUP.
  3. 1 CUP Flour
    • Great Value White All-Purpose Flour: 400 calories per CUP.
  4. 1/4 CUP Sugar
    • Generic White Sugar: 194 calories for 1/4 CUP.
  5. 3 Tsp Baking Powder
  6. 1 Tsp Salt
  7. 1/4 CUP Vegetable Oil
    • Canola Oil: 482 calories for 1/4 CUP.
  8. 1 CUP Milk Substitute
    • Silk Original Soymilk: 108 calories per CUP.
  9. 1 Egg’s Worth Egg Replacer
    • Ener-G Egg Replacer: 10 calories for per TSP.

    (1 egg = 1 1/2 TSP dry Egg Replacer plus 2 TBSP water.)

    • Or, use the fruit of a chicken’s loins: 70 calories per egg.

6.7.2. Preparation

(Bread)

Step 1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F.

Step 2. Combine dry ingredients in a bowl.

Step 3. Add wet ingredients. If using a real egg, beat the egg first. Mix until the batter is uniform.

Step 4. Bake in a bread pan for 20-25 minutes. To check if it is done, shove a toothpick into the center and make sure no dough globs stick to it.

(Muffins)

Step 4. Pour batter into muffin tins. Fill to about 2/3 capacity to allow for expansion.

Step 5. Bake for 15-20 minutes.

This can be a little dry. You can modify the recipe if you want a moister/sweeter bread. Use 2/3 CUP milk substitute, 1/2 CUP sugar, 1/2 CUP oil, and two eggs/egg replacers. Bake at 400 degrees F for 20-25 minutes. You could also add creamed corn, keeping in mind that you’ll have to adjust for the extra fluid.

6.8. Frostings

So your cookies for the company luncheon are cooling on the rack, but you really feel like punishing your annoying coworkers for hanging up all those stupid motivational posters in your office—especially that guy who always clips his toenails in the cubicle next to yours. Could there be a quick, painless way to add even MORE calories to the miniature heart attacks you’re serving up? Fear not, for there is always a way. The answer to your dilemma is: Toppings!

Sure, you could go for the standard sprinkled white sugar (this is always the most popular because it looks less fattening than frosted cookies), or you could add nuts, candies, sprinkles, and the like. You could even add store-bought frosting. Still, why pay the markup when making frosting is so easy?

Here are a few frosting recipes that will make your coworkers lose a few teeth, without the need to resort to physical violence.

Corn Syrup Glaze: Take 3 CUPS of powdered sugar and melt in 1/4 CUP hot water. Add two TSP light corn syrup and food coloring or almond extract. In my opinion, the almond extract tastes ew.

Milk Glaze: Sift 1/2 CUP confectioner’s sugar. Add 2 TSP hot milk substitute and 1/4 TSP vanilla.

Penuche Glaze: 2 TBSP butter, 1/4 CUP brown sugar, 1 TBSP milk substitute, 1/2 CUP confectioner’s sugar. Melt the butter in a saucepan. Add the brown sugar and boil over low heat for 2 minutes, stirring constantly. Cool to lukewarm. Gradually add the confectioner’s sugar. Beat until it is thick enough to spread. If the icing becomes too stiff, add more milk substitute.

6.9. Garlic Bread

After baking some of your own bread, mix a solution of melted vegan margarine, garlic powder, and minced garlic. Apply to the bread and bake until crisp.

6.10. Mini Blueberry Cheesecakes

So you bought two packages of cream cheese to make cheesecake for your elderly family friend, but it turns out you needed four. You could go back to the grocery store, but it’s a million degrees outside and also you sort of don’t feel like it because you’re already feeling put out about baking stupid cheesecake in the first place. Whatever shall you do?

Make smaller cheesecakes, duh.

Makes 11-12 cheesecake CUPcakes.

Preparation time about an hour and thirty minutes.

Approximately 282 calories for 1/12 recipe. Calories in the whole batch: 3,383.

Additional Nutrition Information (Per Serving) Carbs 28g, Fat 17g, Protein 5g, Sodium 259g, Sugar 20g

6.10.1. Tools

  1. Mixing Bowls, Measuring CUPS/Spoons, Whisk, Baking Tray, Aluminium CUPcake Tins, and an Oven.

6.10.2. Materials/Preparation

This recipe requires the crust, filling, and sauce to be prepared separately.

  1. To make the crust, you need:
    1. 1 Sleeve Graham Crackers (1-1/2 CUPS)
      • Keebler Original: 585 calories per sleeve.
    2. 3 TBSP Sugar
      • Domino White Sugar: 68 calories for 3 TBSP.
    3. 1/3 CUP Unsalted Butter
      • Publix Unsalted Butter Sticks: 528 calories for 1/3 CUP.

      Put the crackers into a zipper bag and beat them with a stick until they turn into crumbs. Pour them into a bowl. Melt the butter in the microwave (2o seconds should do it) and add to the same bowl. Finally, add the sugar and stir.

      Press the crust into the bottom of the tins. You might have a little left over. This goes in the garbage, not your mouth, because you aren’t a slob Who nibbles on crap while you’re baking, thereby absorbing extra calories You don’t need.

  2. To make the batter, you need:

    In another bowl (or the same one after you’ve cleaned it out because why make more of a mess then you absolutely have to), prepare the batter. You can reduce the amount of sugar, because the sauce is already sweet, if you don’t want to send little old ladies into a diabetic coma.

    Add the following ingredients. Whisk the batter until smooth. You could use a hand mixer, but that’s lazy. Then pour the cheese paste into the tins. You should put the tins on a baking tray first so you don’t spill anything. I know this because I spilled a few of them. Bake for an about 25–30 minutes at 325 degrees F (or until a toothpick comes out clean).

    1. 2 Packages Cream Cheese
      • Philadelphia 1/3 Less Fat: 1,120 calories for 16 OZ.
    2. 1/2 CUP Sugar
      • Domino White Sugar: 180 calories.
    3. 2 TSP Vanilla
      • Earth Balance Vegan Buttery Sticks: 25 calories for 2 TSP.
    4. 2 Eggs
      • 70 calories each.
  3. Sauce

    Now you need blueberry sauce. Don’t just spread jam on cheesecake. Pre-made anything is bad and you should feel bad for even suggesting it. Instead, put a pint and a half of fresh blueberries into a pot along with a 1/2 CUP of sugar. Add 2 TBSP of unsalted butter, ~4 TBSP of lemon juice, and reduce the berries until they start to break down. You could add cornstarch to thicken the sauce, but I didn’t have any and 1 TBSP of baking powder or flour can serve the same purpose in a pinch. Or, just reduce it for longer. Once the sauce has thickened, turn off the heat and let it cool.

    Remove the finished cheesecakes from the oven and allow to cool.

    Spoon the blueberry sauce on top of the mini cakes and stick them in the fridge for a few hours. Give them to your elderly family friend with a smile on your face and secretly resent them for demanding expensive desserts.

6.11. Muffins

This is my favorite baking recipe. I like the banana-nut version quite a lot. Protip: if you want to use bananas for baking, let them get a little overripe (they’ll be sweeter). If you are not going to use the bananas right away, peel them BEFORE placing them in the freezer. That way, you don’t have to struggle with blackened, icy peels when it’s time to bake. The peels will turn black in the freezer if you put them in whole. Don’t worry about it—the banana meat is still good.

Makes ten to twelve muffins. Preparation time approximately half an hour.

Approximately 164 calories per muffin (non-vegan).

Additional Nutritional Information (Per Serving)

Regular Carbs 23g, Fat 6g, Protein 3g, Sodium 142mg, Fiber 1g

Banana Calories 221, Fat 10g

Blueberry Calories 170, Fat 7g

6.11.1. Materials

  1. 2 Bowls, Spoon, Measuring CUPS/Spoon, Muffin Pan, Oven
  2. 1 3/4 CUPS All-Purpose Flour
    • Great Value All-Purpose Flour: 400 calories per CUP.
  3. 1/3 CUP Sugar
    • Generic White Sugar: 255 calories.
  4. 2 Tsp Baking Powder
  5. 1/4 Tsp Salt
  6. 1 Egg’s Worth Egg Replacer
    • Ener-G Egg Replacer: 10 calories for per TSP.

    (1 egg = 1 1/2 TSP dry Egg Replacer plus 2 TBSP water.)

    • Or, 1 Beaten Egg: 70 calories.
  7. 3/4 CUP Milk Substitute
    • Silk Original Soy Milk: 75 calories for 3/4 CUP.
  8. 1/4 CUP Cooking Oil
    • Canola Oil: 495 calories for 1/4 CUP.
  9. (Optional) Spices, Fruit, and Nuts

    Cinnamon, bananas, and blueberries are awesome.

    • Mashed Banana: 200 calories per CUP.
    • Blueberries: 85 calories per CUP.

6.11.2. Preparation

Step 1. Grease a muffin pan (or line with paper muffin CUPS).

Step 2. Combine flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt in a bowl.

Step 3. In a second bowl, combine egg replacer, milk substitute, and oil.

Step 4. Add the entire wet mixture to the dry and stir until moistened. The batter should be lumpy (like my butt after eating too many muffins).

Step 5. Spoon the batter into prepared muffin CUPS, filling it 2/3 of the way.

Step 6. Bake at 400 degrees F for 20 minutes or until golden. Allow to cool (on a wire rack or on a classy paper plate, which is my personal preference).

6.11.3. Recipe Variants

(Banana) Do not use paper baking CUPS. Reduce the milk to 1/2 CUP and add 3/4 CUP mashed banana and 1/2 CUP chopped nuts. Sometimes I add an entire CUP of mashed banana because I’m a rebel, and I like to leave large banana chunks intact to add texture.

(Blueberry) Use the regular recipe, but fold in 3/4 CUP blueberries and 1 TSP shredded lemon peel.

(Cranberry) Add 1 CUP chopped cranberries and 2 TBSP extra sugar.

(Cheese) Add 1/2 CUP shredded non-dairy cheese to the batter.

(Oatmeal) Reduce flour to 1 1/3 CUPS and add 3/4 CUPS rolled oats.

(Poppy Seed) Why would you want to do this?

6.12. Naan Bread

Source: Modified from Enjolinfam, https://www.food.com/recipe/best-healthy-vegan-indian-naan-or-garlic-naan-bread-258001#activity-feed

Recipe makes 12 naan breads. Preparation time about two and a half hours.

Approximately 188 calories per 1/12 of the recipe.

6.12.1. Materials

  1. Mixing Bowl, Measuring CUPS, Measuring Spoons, Cutting Board, Rolling Pin,

    Iron Skillet

  2. 4 1/2 CUPS All-Purpose, Bleached, Enriched Flour.

    Take your fake whole wheat silliness and throw it in the TRASH.

  3. 1 TSP Salt
  4. 1 TSP Baking Powder
  5. Spices (Optional)
    • Cumin
    • Coriander
    • Fennel Seeds (Ground and Whole)
    • Garlic Powder or Minced Garlic
  6. 1 CUP Vegan Sour Cream

    You can substitute 2 CUPS plain vegan yogurt for the soymilk and sour cream.

    • Follow Your Heart Vegan Sour Cream: 400 calories per CUP.
    • Tofutti Vegan Sour Cream: 680 calories per CUP.
  7. 1 CUP Soy Milk
    • Silk Original Soy Milk: 60 calories per CUP.
    • Silk Light Almond Milk: 30 calories per CUP.

6.12.2. Preparation

Step 1. Mix dry ingredients.

Step 2. Stir in soy milk and sour cream.

Step 3. Knead dough and add more flour if necessary.

Step 4. Knead dough until it is smooth and elastic.

Step 5. Place dough aside and cover. Allow dough to sit undisturbed for 1+ hours.

Step 6. Cut dough into 12 equal pieces.

Step 7. Force dough into sphere and flatten into discs.

Step 8. Heat skillet to medium heat. Spray no-stick cooking spray on the skillet if you feel like it.

Step 9. Take 1 piece of dough at a time and roll it out on a floured surface until it is 8-10 inches across and under 1/4 inch thick.

Step 10. Lay it on the hot griddle and cook it over a medium heat for 2-3 minutes on each side, or until it puffs up and blackish-brown spots appear.

Step 11. Serve with za'atar and oil or whatever.

Step 12. To reheat, wrap in aluminum foil and bake (in pre-heated oven) at 400 degrees for 10-15 minutes. Or just nuke it. Whatever.

6.13. Naan Bread II

Source: https://thekitchenpaper.com/quick-naan-without-yeast/

6.13.1. Materials

  1. Bowl, Measuring CUPS, Rolling Pin, Skillet
  2. 1 3/4 CUPS All-Purpose Flour
  3. 2 TSP Sugar
  4. 1 TSP Salt
  5. 3/4 TSP Baking Powder
  6. 2 TSP Oil
  7. 1/2 CUP Almond Milk

6.13.2. Preparation

Step 1. Mix dry ingredients in a bowl.

Step 2. Add wet ingredients.

Step 3. Knead dough.

Step 4. Divide dough into 6 balls and roll out on a floured surface. They should be pretty thin.

Step 5. Oil a skillet and fry dough patties, adding more oil as needed. Be sure to have the fan on so that you don't set off the DAMN FIRE ALARM.

**Naan Bread III (Easy!)

Source: Modified from Vegan Vigilante, https://www.veganvigilanteblog.com/vegan-garlic-naan/

6.13.3. Materials

  1. Bowl, Measuring CUPS, Rolling Pin, Skillet
  2. 2 CUPS All-Purpose Flour
  3. 1 TSP Sugar
  4. 1 TSP Salt
  5. 1 TBSP Baking Powder
  6. 2 TSP Oil
  7. 1/3 CUP Almond Milk
  8. 1/3 CUP Water
  9. (Optional) Garlic Powder

6.13.4. Preparation

Step 1. Mix dry ingredients in a bowl.

Step 2. Add wet ingredients.

Step 3. Knead dough.

Step 4. Divide dough into 6-8 balls and roll out on a floured surface. They should be pretty thin.

Step 5. Turn on stove fan because fire alarms.

Step 6. Oil a skillet and fry dough patties, adding more oil as needed. Flip them, ideally, after they start to bubble.

6.14. Nut Cookies

A couple simple, and one not-so-simple, cookie recipes for nut fanbois.

6.14.1. Recipe #1: Hazelnut Cookies

Serving size depends on cookie size. Preparation time about 30 minutes.

Approximately 288 calories for 1/12 recipe.

Additional Nutrition Information Carb 27g, Fat 15g, Protein 3g, Sodium 160mg, Sugar 8g

  1. Materials
    1. 2 Bowls, Hand-Mixer, Knife, Cookie Tray, Cookie Sheet (Optional), Oven
    2. 2 1/2 CUPS Flour
      • Great Value All-Purpose White Flour: 1,000 calories for 2 1/2 CUPS.
    3. 1 CUP Margarine or Butter
      • Earth Balance Buttery Sticks: 1,600 calories per CUP.
    4. 1 CUP Nuts
      • Generic Ground Hazelnuts: 472 calories per CUP.
    5. 2 Tsp Vanilla
      • Great Value Vanilla Extract: 12 calories for 2 TSP.
    6. 1 Tsp Cinnamon
    7. 3/4 CUP Confectioner’s Sugar
      • Domino’s Confectioners Sugar: 360 calories for 3/4 CUP.
  2. Preparation

    Step 1. Cream the butter and sugar. Then, add vanilla, cinnamon, and chopped nuts. If you only have whole nuts, use the knife to chop them yourself.

    Step 2. Add flour and mix dough completely.

    Step 3. Chill dough in the freezer.

    Step 4. Shape the cookies. You can use your hands to roll them and squish them flat.

    Step 5. Bake at 350 degrees F for 15 minutes.

    Step 6. Remove from oven and sift confectioners sugar onto the cookies.

6.14.2. Recipe #2: Smoothies (Alternatively, Hazelnut Brown Sugar Balls)

Serving size depends on cookie size. Preparation time about 30 minutes.

Approximately 250 calories for 1/12 of the Smoothies recipe. Calories for the whole batch adds up to 3,015.

Approximately 306 calories for 1/12 of the Brown Sugar Ball Recipe, depending on the amount of nuts used. Calories for the whole batch comes in at 3,671.

Additional Nutrition Information

(Smoothies, Pecan Variant) Carb 28g, Fat 15g, Protein 2g, Sodium 163mg, Sugar 13g

(Brown Sugar Balls, Hazelnut Variant) Carb 27g, Fat 15g, Protein 2g, Sodium 163mg, Sugar 12g

  1. Materials
    1. 2 Bowls, Hand-Mixer, Knife, Cookie Tray, Cookie Sheet (Optional), Oven
    2. 2 CUPS Flour
      • Great Value All-Purpose White Flour: 800 calories for 2 CUPS.
    3. 1 CUP Margarine or Butter
      • Earth Balance Buttery Sticks: 1,600 calories per CUP.
    4. ~ 1 CUP Nuts
      • Generic Ground Hazelnuts: 472 calories per CUP.
      • Pecans Halves: 64 calories for 12.
    5. Brown Sugar (Not Packed)
      • Generic Brown Sugar: 551 calories per CUP.
  2. Preparation

    Step 1. Cream the butter and sugar.

    Step 2. Add flour and mix dough completely.

    Step 3. Take spoonful of dough and make it into a ball. I was told to “drop the dough by TSP,” but I make my cookies whatever size I please, thank you.

    Step 4. Press a pecan into the middle. Or, if making the alternate recipe, roll the ball in the chopped hazelnuts and flatten gently.

    Step 5. Bake at 350 degrees F for 10-12 minutes.

6.14.3. Recipe #3: Untitled (These cookies have a bunch of stuff in them. Maybe they should be called Peanut Butter m&m Pecan Surprise?)

Serving size depends on cookie size. Preparation time about 30 minutes.

Approximately 267 calories for 1/24 of the recipe. Calories for the whole batch adds up to a whopping 6,412.

Additional Nutrition Information Carb 31g, Fat 14g, Protein 4g, Sodium 97mg, Sugar 22g

  1. Materials
    1. 2 Bowls, Hand-Mixer, Knife, Cookie Tray, Cookie Sheet (Optional), Oven
    2. 1/2 CUP Butter Flavored Shortening
      • Crisco All-Vegetable Butter Flavored Shortening: 1760 calories per CUP.
    3. 1/2 CUP (Packed) Brown Sugar
      • Domino Brown Sugar (Packed): 360 calories for 1/2 CUP.
    4. 1 Egg’s Worth Egg Replacer
      • Ener-G Egg Replacer: 10 calories for per TSP (1 egg = 1 1/2 TSP dry Egg

      Replacer plus 2 TBSP water.)

      • Or, 1 Egg: 70 calories.
    5. 1 1/2 Tsp Vanilla Extract
      • Imitation Vanilla Extract: 5 calories for 1/2 TSP.
    6. 14oz Sweetened Condensed Milk
      • Generic Condensed Milk (Sweetened, Non-Vegan): 1,719 calories for 14oz.

      Note: If you want to go vegan, you can make condensed milk yourself.

    7. 3 Tbs Creamy Peanut Butter
      • Wegmans Creamy Peanut Butter: 300 calories for 3 TSP.
    8. 1 1/2 CUP Flour
      • Great Value White Flour: 660 for 1 1/2 CUPS.
    9. 1 CUP Graham Cracker Crumbs
      • Keebler Graham Cracker Crumbs: 355 calories per CUP.
    10. 1 Tsp Baking Soda
    11. 1 Tsp Salt
    12. 2 CUPS Plain m&ms
      • Plain m&m Candies: 840 calories per CUP.

      Note: Vegan coated chocolate candies are trickier to find, but they do exist.

    13. 1/2 CUP Chopped Pecans
      • Chopped Pecans: 398 calories for 1/2 CUP
  2. Preparation

    Step 1. In a mixing bowl, cream the shortening and brown sugar with a hand-mixer.

    Step 2. Beat in egg replacer and add vanilla and vegan condensed milk.

    Step 3. Blend in peanut butter.

    Step 4. Combine the dry ingredients.

    Step 5. Add the dry blend to the creamed mixture.

    Step 6. Stir in the candies and nuts.

    Step 7. Drop dough by TSP, 1 inch apart on a cookie tray.

    Step 8. Bake for 10-12 minutes at 350 degrees F.

    Step 9. Allow cookies to cool, (optionally) on a wire rack.

6.15. Peanut Butter Cookies (Kisses)

Serves 24. Preparation time about one hour.

Approximately 142 calories per serving. Calories if you eat the whole batch: 3,419.

Additional Nutritional Information (Per Serving) Carbs 18g, Fat 8g, Protein 2g, Sodium 86mg, Sugar 11g

6.15.1. Materials

  1. 2 Bowls, Mixing Spoon/Whisk, Measuring CUPS/Spoons, Baking Tray, Oven, Baking Rack (Optional)
  2. 1 1/4 CUPS All-Purpose Flour
    • Generic White All-Purpose Flour: 455 calories for 1 CUPS.
  3. 3/4 Tsp Baking Powder
  4. 3/4 Tsp Baking Soda
  5. 1/4 Tsp Salt
  6. 1/2 CUP Granulated Sugar
    • Generic White Sugar: 360 calories per 1/2 CUP.
  7. 1/2 CUP (Packed) Brown Sugar
    • Generic Light Brown Sugar (Packed): 413 calories per 1/2 CUP.
  8. 1 Eggs Worth of Egg Replacer
    • Ener-G Egg Replacer: 10 calories for per TSP.

    (1 egg = 1 1/2 TSP dry Egg Replacer plus 2 TBSP water.)

    • Or, use 1 actual chicken ovum: 70 calories per egg.
  9. 1/2 CUP Peanut Butter
    • Jiff Natural Peanut Butter: 760 calories per 1/2 CUP.
  10. 1/4 CUP Safflower Oil
    • Generic Safflower Oil: 473 Calories for 1/4 CUP.
  11. 1/4 CUP Margarine
    • Earth Balance Natural Buttery Spread: 320 calories for 1/4 CUP.
  12. A Handful of Peanut Butter or Chocolate Chips (or Hershey Kisses)
    • Hershey Kisses: 528 calories for 24 pieces.

6.15.2. Preparation

Step 1. Mix sugars, peanut butter, safflower oil, margarine, and egg.

Step 2. Stir in remaining ingredients.

Step 3. Cover and refrigerate at least 3 hours.

Step 4. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.

Step 5. Shape dough into 1 1/4 inch balls.

Step 6. Lightly roll cookies in white sugar.

Step 7. Place cookies about 3 inches apart on an ungreased cookie sheet.

Step 8. Bake cookies about 10 minutes.

Step 9. Remove the cookies from the oven and place a Hershey Kiss on top of each warm cookie.

Step 10. Place cookies in refrigerator for about 15 minutes until the Kiss is hardened.

Step 11. Don’t smush the cookies.

6.16. Pecan Pie Test

I’ve wanted to try making pecan pie for a while now, but what do you do when you can’t use eggs or dairy products? The classic recipe for pecan pie is as follows:

  • 1 CUP Corn Syrup
  • 3 TBSP Melted Butter
  • 1 CUP Sugar
  • 3 Eggs
  • 1 TSP Vanilla
  • 1 1/2 CUP Chopped Pecans
  • 1 Pie Shell

Bake at 350 degrees F for ~1 hour.

I looked online for vegan pecan pie recipes and there sure are a lot of weird ones. I’m sure they taste fine, but I refuse to use tofu or weird fussy ingredients because, frankly, I’m lazy.

So, the question I pose to you is thus: can you substitute Ener-G egg replacer and margarine for eggs and butter in pecan pie? I’ll just skip straight to the answer.

Yes, you can. If you are willing to lower your standards just a bit.

I used 4 1/2 TSP of egg replacer (plus 6 TBSP water) for the 3 eggs and margarine for the butter. The result was a pie that was…serviceable. It was a bit loose and did not hold together all that well when served, so it was a good thing I added some extra nuts to give it more substance. I baked it for 50 minutes.

One important thing to note is that the pie was bubbling as it cooked. Luckily, I used a deep dish pie crust, and I recommend you do the same if you don’t want spillage in your oven.

The pie will plate better after it has been chilled in the fridge.

I suspect that using cornstarch might also help with the consistency, so long as you can blend it properly. Whatever you do, don’t add cornstarch to anything after pouring in the wet ingredients. It’ll glob up into chunks that you’ll never be able to break up.

Most importantly, the vegan pie tasted normal. If you or your guests aren’t all that picky, there you go.

6.17. Pecan Squares

Owing to the amount of nuts (too expensive) and sugar/butter (too fattening) in this recipe, I never make this for myself. It’s been a long time since I made pecan squares, but it is good to have the option in case you’re ever invited to a picnic with someone important, like President Donald Trump or the Second Coming of Christ (but I am redundant).

Serves sixteen nimble navigators. Preparation time about an hour and fifteen minutes.

Approximately 452 calories for 1/16 recipe. Calories in the whole batch: 7,233.

Additional Nutrition Information (Per Serving) Carbs 72g, Fat 19g, Protein 3g, Sodium 137g, Sugar 38g

* Tools

Mixing Bowls, Measuring CUPS/Spoons, Utensil to Mix Ingredients, Baking Pan (Recommended Size of 15 1/2 in x 10 1/2 in x 1 in), and an Oven.

6.17.1. Materials

This recipe requires the filling and crust be prepared separately.

  1. To make the filling, gather the following:
    1. 4 Egg’s Worth of Egg Replacer (or 4 Eggs)
      • Ener-G Egg Replacer: 60 calories for 6 TSP

      (1 egg = 1 1/2 TSP dry Egg Replacer plus 2 TBSP water.)

      • Egg: 70 calories per egg.
    2. 4 1/2 CUPS Sugar
      • Domino White Sugar: 1,620 calories for 4 1/2 CUPS.
    3. 1 1/2 CUPS Light Corn Syrup
      • Karo Light Corn Syrup: 1,440 calories for 1 1/2 CUP.
    4. 3 Tbsp Vegan Butter
      • Earth Balance Vegan Buttery Sticks: 300 calories for 3 TBSP.
    5. 1 1/2 Tsp Vanilla Extract
      • McCormick Pure Vanilla Extract: 18 calories for 1 1/2 TSP.
    6. Mix ingredients well, then add 2 1/2 CUPS Chopped Pecans: 1,260 calories.

      Set the filling aside.

  2. In another bowl, prepare the crust. You need:
    1. 3 CUPS Flour
      • Great Value All-Purpose Flour: 1,200 calories for 3 CUPS.
    2. 1/4 CUP + 2 Tbsp Sugar
      • Domino White Sugar: 135 calories.
    3. 3/4 CUP Butter
      • Earth Balance Vegan Buttery Sticks: 1,200 calories for 3/4 CUP.
    4. 3/4 Tsp Salt

6.17.2. Preparation

Mix the second batch of ingredients until crumbly, then pour into a greased baking pan. Bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees F. Remove the pan from the oven and pour in the filling. Bake for an additional 25 minutes.

Remove the finished product from the oven and allow to cool. Slice it into squares (or rectangles). They can be individually wrapped in plastic wrap for ease of transportation.

Protip

For easy clean-up, line the baking pan with aluminum foil, setting some foil aside to make an anti-mind reading hat (mental hygiene is just as important), and coat the pan lining with baking spray. You can simply lift the whole thing out of the pan without needing to scrub it later.

6.18. Pumpkin Bread

6.19. Sesame Cookies

Serving size depends upon cookie size. Preparation time about one hour.

Approximately 210 calories for 1/12 of the recipe. Calories if you eat the whole batch: 2,522.

Additional Nutritional Information (Per Serving) Carbs 28g, Fat 11g, Protein 2g, Sodium 288mg, Sugar 12g

6.19.1. Materials

  1. 2 Bowls, Measuring Cups/Spoons, Fork, Hand-Mixer, Cookie Tray, Oven, Wax Paper (Optional)
  2. 2 CUPS Flour
    • Generic White All-Purpose Flour: 910 calories for 2 CUPS.
    • Great Value White All-Purpose Flour: 800 calories for 2 CUPS.
  3. 2/3 CUP Sugar
    • Generic White Sugar: 511 calories for 2/3 CUP.
  4. 2/3 CUP Margarine or Butter
    • Earth Balance Buttery Sticks: 1,066 calories for 2/3 CUP.
  5. 1 1/2 Tsp Baking Powder
  6. 2 Eggs Worth of Ener-G Egg Replacer (or 1 Egg)
    • Ener-G Egg Replacer: 10 calories for 1 TSP

    (1 egg = 1 1/2 TSP dry Egg Replacer plus 2 TBSP water.)

    • Egg: 70 calories per egg.
  7. 1 Tsp Vanilla Extract
    • Alcohol-Based Imitation Vanilla Extract: 10 calories per TSP.
  8. 1/4 Tsp Salt
  9. 2 Tbsp Sesame Seeds
    • Sesame Seeds: 104 calories for 2 TBSP.
  10. 1 Tsp Milk Substitute
    • Silk Pure Original Almond Milk: 1 calorie per TSP.

6.19.2. Preparation

Step 1. Cream wet ingredients in a bowl. First the butter and sugar, then the egg replacer, vanilla, and milk substitute.

Step 2. Add dry ingredients to the bowl. Blend with the hand-mixer.

Step 3. Drop dough by TSP on an ungreased baking sheet.

Step 4. Dip a fork in water and flatten the cookies.

Step 5. Sprinkle sesame seeds on the flattened cookies.

Step 6. Bake the cookies for 10-12 minutes in an oven preheated to 375 degrees F.

6.20. Strawberry Shortcake (Lightning Fast!)

You’ve put off making that cake until the last minute. What can you bake that takes less than an hour, but still has enough structural integrity to hold a couple birthday candles?

It’s time to bake a strawberry shortcake.

This, however, is no ORDINARY strawberry shortcake. This is a weapon of last resort. Think of it like the cake version of a last-ditch Type 99 Arisaka rifle made in the latter days of WWII. Gone are the flip-up anti-aircraft rear sights, gone are the quality finished stocks. Oh yes, there will be tooling marks.

So, you sneak over to Walmart in the dead of night and emerge with a box (premixed is cheating!) of vanilla cake mix, a jar of strawberry jam, a pint of strawberries, a tub of Great Value Whipped Topping, and hope to all of the gods you believe in (and some of the ones you don’t) that A, no one you know sees you and B, that you still have a teaspoon of vanilla extract and some leftover powdered sugar at the back of your kitchen cabinet. Sure, you’ve had that almost-empty bottle of imitation vanilla extract since God Emperor Ronald Reagan was in office, but it will have to do.

Clutching your plastic Walmart bag like an alcoholic does a 40oz, you rush back home and dump everything on the counter. You pour the contents of the cake mix box into a bowl, adding whatever else Bossy Betty tells you to add—it’s too late to worry about your pride now—along with that vanilla, and hastily shove that embarrassment into the oven.

Once the dirty deed is done and you have your still-warm synthetic cake, spread some strawberry jam on the top. Frost it with the whipped topping and strawberry halves mixed with a little powdered sugar. Alternatively, you can use other fruits, ensuring that the jam matches the fruit type.

Done and done. Tomorrow, as everyone compliments you on your delicious cooking, you’ll know deep inside that you’re a big, fat phony. But, tomorrow is tomorrow, and tonight you have a very important video game to play.

6.21. Sugar Cookies

You know those situations where you have to bring something to a family member you don’t like and who also doesn’t like you, and they know you don’t like them, and you’re too cheap to buy a present so you bake them something but still kinda wanna be a jerk but not TOO much of a jerk? Yeah.

Serving size depends upon cookie size, especially if you are using cut-outs. Preparation time about one or two hours.

Approximately 203 calories for 1/12 of the recipe (without toppings or nuts. Calories if you eat the whole batch: 2,431.

Additional Nutritional Information (Per Serving) Carbs 28g, Fat 10g, Protein 2g, Sodium 151mg, Sugar 13g

6.21.1. Materials

  1. Bowl, Measuring cups/Spoons, Spoon, Hand-Mixer, Rolling Pin, Cookie Cutter, Cookie Tray, Oven, Wax Paper (Optional)
  2. 2 CUPS Flour
    • Generic White All-Purpose Flour: 910 calories for 2 CUPS.
    • Great Value White All-Purpose Flour: 800 calories for 2 CUPS.
  3. 3/4 CUP Sugar
    • Domino White Sugar: 540 calories for 3/4 CUP.
  4. 2/3 CUP Margarine or Butter
    • Earth Balance Buttery Sticks: 1,066 calories for 2/3 CUP.
  5. 1 TSP Baking Powder

    1 Egg’s Worth of Ener-G Egg Replacer (or 1 Egg)

    • Ener-G Egg Replacer: 10 calories for 1 TSP

    (1 egg = 1 1/2 TSP dry Egg Replacer plus 2 TBSP water.)

    • Egg: 70 calories per egg.
  6. 1 TSP Vanilla Extract
    • Alcohol-Based Imitation Vanilla Extract: 10 calories per TSP.
  7. 1 Dash Salt

6.21.2. Preparation

Step 1. Mix together wet ingredients in a bowl. You should allow the butter to soften up a bit if you are using refrigerated sticks.

Step 2. Add dry ingredients to the bowl. Add hazelnuts for extra pizazz (and cost). Blend with a hand-mixer.

Step 3. Wrap the dough in wax paper or shove it in a Ziplock. Place dough in the freezer to chill. You can leave whatever you don’t use in there for a while. How long specifically? I don’t know, take a guess. Probably more than a few days and less than a year.

Step 4. Spread some wax paper on the counter and dust it with flour.

Step 5. Remove the dough from the freezer and roll it with a rolling pin until it’s about 1/4 inch thick.

Step 6. Use a cookie cutter to cut shapes out, or do it the ghetto way and make your cookie circles with an upside-down CUP.

Step 7. Combine the dough remnants and repeat Step 6 until you’ve used all the dough.

Step 8. Place cookies on a baking tray. If you line the tray with wax paper first you’ll have less cleaning up to do.

Step 9. Bake cookies in a preheated oven at 375 degrees F for 7-8 minutes or until they are slightly browned at the edges.

Step 10. Allow cookies to cool.

Bonus

Step 11. Sprinkle white sugar on the cookies while they are still warm. Or, after they cool, coat them with frosting. You can use store-bought or make your own.

To make the frosting take 3 CUPS of powdered sugar and melt in 1/4 CUP hot water. Add two TSP light corn syrup and food coloring or almond extract, thus adding about 127 calories to each cookie.

Step 12. Never buy something as basic as sugar cookies from a store ever again.

7. Part VI: BEVERAGES & MISC

7.1. Bloody Mary

7.1.1. Materials

  • 1 1/2 OZ Vodka
  • 8 OZ Tomato Juice
  • 1 TSP Lime Juice
  • 1/2 TSP Vegan Worcestershire Sauce
  • Celery Salt
  • Garlic Powder
  • Tabasco

7.2. Popcorn

(April 2020)

Last year, we tried growing popcorn. Strawberry popcorn, specifically–some kind of purple variety we ordered from Burpee. Each stalk only produced a few small ears, but ultimately we ended up with about 3 cups of poppable kernels. Six months later, and we finally got around to testing them out.

The proportion was 1/3 cup kernels to 2 TBSP canola oil, cooked in a large, covered pot on the stove. Once they start popping, you have to constantly shake the pot on the burner. Turn off the heat once the pops slow down; the popped kernels burn very easily. Then you can pour them into a bowl and add salt and butter.

These guys pop really well. Almost all the kernels popped. They’re smaller than the stuff you can buy in the grocery store, they’re less “fluffy,” but taste just the same.

7.3. Ketchup

Just a quick recipe for traditional ketchup just like my granny used to make. I’m not sure what “style” of ketchup this is–PA Dutch, maybe. I find it a little weird; it isn’t like the kind you get in the store and I don’t particularly dig ketchup anyway. But it works pretty good on things like eggs or hash browns.

7.3.1. Materials

  1. 1 Gallon Tomato Juice (Fresh Squeezed, Preferably)
  2. 1 Pint Vinegar
  3. 1 Pound Sugar
  4. 1 TBSP Salt
  5. 1 TBSP Cinnamon
  6. 1 TBSP Ground Mustard

7.3.2. Preparation

Step 1. Mash tomatoes to get the juice. The easiest way is to chop them roughly, load them in a colander, put the colander over a large mixing bowl, and use a mortar to pound them until you have enough juice. Discard the tomato skins.

Step 2. Add additional ingredients.

Step 3. Boil mixture until thick, stirring occasionally. It really will thicken after an hour or so–I promise.

Step 4. Allow to cool before pouring into a container.

Step 5. Store in fridge. I've eaten ketchup that was over a year old, but I don't know how long it keeps for "officially." Eat old food at your own risk.

7.4. Taiwanese Iron Eggs (UNTESTED)

7.4.1. Materials

  1. 2 Red Chili Peppers (Fresh, Seeded, Minced)
  2. 2 Green Chili Peppers (Fresh, Seeded, Minced)
  3. 12 Chicken Eggs
    • Use chicken, pigeon, or quail eggs.
    • Room temperature
  4. 1 TBSP Thick Soy Sauce
  5. 1/2 TSP Sesame Oil
  6. 6 CUPS Prepared Black Tea
  7. Mixed Spices (To Taste)

7.4.2. Preparation

Step 1. Add chili peppers to wok and stir-fry until soft. Remove and set aside. Step 2. Drill hole in fat end of egg using a thin nail. Step 3. Add eggs to large pot and 6+ CUPS of water to cover them. Step 4. Bring eggs to below a boil, reduce heat and simmer 10 minutes. Step 5. Turn off heat and let eggs cool for 30 minutes. Step 6. Peel eggs and discard water. Step 7. Return eggs to the pot, add soy sauce, sesame oil, the black tea, and the seasoning. Step 8. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer for ten minutes, then turn off the heat source. Allow to cool for 1 hour. Step 9. Repeat cooking process 7 more times. Step 10. Remove eggs and refrigerate until served. Use within 5 days.

7.5. Vegan Chocolate (UNTESTED)

Source: http://minimalistbaker.com/easy-vegan-chocolate/

Serves 13. 162 Calories Per Serving. Preparation Time: About 30 Minutes

Additional Nutrition Facts (Per Serving) Carbs 5.4g, Fat 16.5g, Protein 1.1g, Sodium 12g, Sugar 2.5g, Saturated Fat 9.9g, Protein 1.1g, Fiber 1.8g

7.5.1. Materials

  1. 1 CUP (~200G) Cocoa Butter
  2. 3-5 TBSP (45-75ML) Maple Syrup OR Agave Nectar
  3. 1/2 CUP (48G) Unsweetened Cocoa Powder OR Cacao Powder
  4. (Optional) 1 TSP Vanilla Extract
  5. (Optional) Salt
    • 1 Pinch/To Taste
  6. (optional) Cacao Nibs
    • Topping

7.5.2. Preparation

Step 1. Prepare cupcake liners on a baking tray, or use chocolate mould. Set aside. Step 2. Create a double boiler.

  • Add 2 inches of water to a large saucepan and bring to a boil over medium high heat.
  • Set a a medium glass or ceramic mixing bowl on top, ensuring it does not touch the water.

Step 3. Add cocoa butter (chopped, packed) to mixing bowl and allow to melt for 2-3 minutes. Step 4. Add the maple syrup or agave nectar and use a whisk or wooden spoon to mix until fluid and thoroughly combined. Step 5. Remove bowl and turn off stove. Set saucepan aside. Step 6. Add cacao or cocoa powder and optional ingredients, and whisk to combine until there are no clumps. Step 7. Pour chocolate into cupcake liners. Step 8. Add optional toppings. Step 9. Transfer chocolate to the freezer or refrigerator to set for about 10 minutes. Step 10. Store leftovers in a well-sealed container in the refrigerator for 1 week, or in the freezer up to 1 month.

Notes

  • Coconut oil can be substitued for up to 2 TBSP of cocoa butter.
  • Chocolate can be poured directly onto wax paper and broken up into bark.

8. PART V: EXTRA CONTENT

8.1. The Ban List

The following ingredients are not allowed in my household and certainly not in my cooking:

  1. Animal By-Products. This especially pertains to gelatin and lard because both of those make me want to gag. Check your medicine cabinet. Gelatin is sneaky and likes to make its way in there, too.
  2. Boxed Cake Mix. It’s cheating.
  3. Granola. The least healthy health food ever.
  4. Gourmet/Specialty Foods. I eat like the peasant that I am. Always remember what a basal activity eating is, no matter how much you try and dress up the process.
  5. High Fructose Corn Syrup. Thanks government subsidies for encouraging the overuse of this trash sugar.
  6. Junk Food. If I really want a cookie, I will make it myself.
  7. Meat or Fish. I happen to prefer not ingesting intestinal flukes and heavy metals. My cutting board also supports this decision.
  8. Milk.
  9. Most Cereals.
  10. Organic Food. Needlessly expensive. I also prefer better living through science to health food hysteria. I make an exception for the organic food I grow myself, because obviously garden food is cheap.
  11. Pasta. This will make you fat in a hurry.
  12. Full Fat Soda. If I need another addictive, fattening, and expensive habit, I’ll take up tabletop gaming.
  13. FIRE ALARMS. Not food, but I just hate them.

8.2. Don't Cook for Others (with Examples)

Reminders in case I'm ever tempted to cook for anyone.

  1. I gave cranberries cookies to The ProFit's mother. She admitted to thowing them away without eating them.
  2. Sometimes you make Valentine’s Day cookies for someone, but they have to cancel, and now you’re sitting by yourself with a giant pile of cookies and no idea what to do with them.
  3. A few people, including my brother, The ProFit, have commented that my food always looks unappetizing. I don’t know why anyone would say such a thing, considering what an amazing chef I am. I felt the need to prove them all wrong. That’s why I made cinnamon rolls, and they looked great. Aside from one of them. You see, every time I bake, there’re always a few specimens that go into the reject pile. Luckily, The ProFit doesn’t mind eating a slightly burnt or warped cookie, pretzel, or roll. Though, he didn’t really like the name I gave to the "Cinnaturd".

MY FOOD IS PERFECT.

Update: I gave the rolls to my neighbor but their dog ate them. The question is, did the dog eat them, or were they fed to the dog? At least doggo has great taste in cuisine.

  1. Whenever I bring food to a function, the only one who eats it is The ProFit.
  2. Made a pumpkin pie for the father. I burnt my arm putting it in the pre-heated oven and dropped it, spilling the contents all over the bottom. When I took the pie out of the oven, I burnt my other arm. I made another pie. I don't think he liked it. The burnt pie filling from pie #1 on the bottom of the oven took forever to clean. I STILL HAVE THE SCARS.

8.3. On Minimalism

Take a look at the stuff in your kitchen. How many of those items are decorative, or single-purpose? The more crap you have taking up space in your house/apartment/trailer, the less room you have to think. “Stuff” is more than just molecules; it’s cognitive overhead. You probably have a lot of baggage attached to your things, such as: where you bought them or who gave them to you, product specifications, where the items belong in the context of your habitat, and the ever present worry that someone is going to come along and break or take what rightfully belongs to you.

The subsequent information overload can be debilitating. How anyone can function amidst all that distraction is beyond me, but for those with a permanent case of “popcorn brain,” over-stimulation must simply seem to be the natural state of affairs. I can’t live like that.

I don’t like to own a lot of stuff. If you are wondering why I list the utensils in every recipe, it’s because I want to own a minimal amount of cookware. There is a delicate balance between having enough supplies to be self-sufficient, and having few enough to still be a minimalist. Anything that isn’t used on a regular basis interferes with my minimalist lifestyle. Thus, listing the tools I use helps me to keep track of the objects I own.

Single-purpose items, such a orange juicers or salad forks, actually make the cooking process slower. Who wants to stand around for half an hour digging out the exact right tools for the job? Cooking is an imprecise activity, so the tools just need to be “good enough.” A good rule is this: don’t buy it unless it is painfully inconvenient NOT to have it.

Minimalist cooking applies to the ingredients, too. I keep the cabinets and refrigerator stocked only with ingredients I find myself using on a regular basis. These must be cheap and versatile. My goal is to be fit all perishable cooking supplies into a mini fridge. Frozen foods, as they keep for a long time, can be stored in an external deep freezer. Cabinets should be primarily dedicated to boxes of Soylent and a handful of inexpensive spices.

It is difficult to achieve a balance between economy and minimalism. Minimalism can be just as expensive as hoarding. Hoarding can actually be very cheap. The trick is basically to own only what you need and use. If you do that, you’ll generally find that a whole class of problems related to property ownership simply go away.

8.4. The Philosophy of Bologna

My brother, whom I’ve nicknamed The ProFit, sometimes eats vegan bologna straight out of the package. I, Rev, once inquired after this habit.

The Dialogue

The ProFit sits at his computer, eating soy deli meat.

The Reverend: Enjoying yourself?

The ProFit: Have a slice.

The Reverend: I don’t want to. It’s too similar to real meat.

The ProFit: This is pretty uncanny. The fake bologna is the most realistic soy meat I’ve had yet.

The Reverend: Yeah, you made me try some last time. It’s disgusting. Why do you do this?

The ProFit: It makes me think about what’s important in life.

The Reverend: And what’s that?

The ProFit: Computer science, obviously.

The Reverend: Bologna makes you think about computer science?

The ProFit: It reminds me of it. Eating bland and boring meals frees one from the complacency of self-gratification. Rather than get on the hedonic treadmill, my behavior is dictated by the rational conclusions I’ve derived from certain base axioms. In essence, I seem to exist in some kind of reality, this reality seems to be shared with external observers and, furthermore, that reality seems to be governed by consistent laws. From those axioms I can draw various conclusions about the optimal way in which to operate within said reality. Consequently, logic and science, especially computer science, can answer the questions millennia of bickering philosophers couldn’t.

The Reverend: Life is already awful enough—do you really need to eat foods that make it worse?

The ProFit: I don’t eat the bologna because I think life is too good; I eat it to put things in the proper perspective.

The Reverend: I did have a slice.

The ProFit: Shh. It’s okay if you’re not ready for this. Don’t rush it. You can’t just go to the store and buy the bologna, nor can you just eat one slice. Most importantly, you have to understand why you’re eating it. Once you’ve endured the horrible drudgery of the whole package, you’ll be a real man.

The Reverend: I hardly think not wanting to torture myself with deli meat means that I’m somehow less manly.

The ProFit: “Achieving happiness,” and wanting to “be happy,” are misleading objectives. Happiness is nothing more than a state transition, and state transitions are, by definition, ephemeral.

The Reverend: But-

The ProFit: holds up a hand That is why I eat the bologna.

Rev’s Conclusion

The moral here is that attempting to permanently achieve the transient is an exercise in futility.

8.5. The Psyllium Experiments

CHAPTER ONE

I hate psyllium husk. It seems like a good idea when you first hear about it, but it’s all a horrible lie. Maybe someone with actual cooking skills can turn this abomination into something palatable, but I am merely human. I am the Common Man personified, a flawed man stricken with vices, such as impatience and sloth.

But, I am also persistent. Sometimes. As such, I’ve done many battles with this stuff, trying one strategy after another in an attempt to make it not-disgusting. I’ve learned, however, that Satan’s Fiber always wins in the end.

The First Attempt

It is the summer of 2016, and I’ve had a bag of psyllium husk sitting in my cabinet for about a year. The idea was to add it to Soylent 1.5, because the fiber content of V.1.5 isn’t super. It sucked. Psyllium husk is way too gel-like and thick, and has a strong flavor that the rather bland Soylent can’t mask.

So, now I’m stuck with this bag of psyllium powder that’s bought and paid for. What do? Psyllium husk slime kind of reminds me of pudding, so maybe I could turn it into a dessert?

The Second Attempt

I took a tablespoon of psyllium husk powder, a few teaspoons of cinnamon,two packets of Stevia, and mixed them together. When I added the water, I thought the result looked promising. It was better than Psy-lent, I guess, but my stomach immediately issued a cease-and-desist order. Psyllium slime evidently doesn’t agree with me, especially when it isn’t mixed in with anything.

The Third Attempt

At this point, the bag is still half-full which, in this case, made me the opposite of optimistic. However, I’ve heard of people baking bread with psyllium husk, so that was the obvious next step. I scoured the internet (that is, the first page of Google search results) for a recipe that I could modify based on the materials I had at hand. I was certainly not going to throw good money after bad by buying specialty flours or oils on, what I suspected, was a lost cause.

Materials

  • 6 TBSP Psyllium Husk Powder
  • 3/4 CUP Water + 12 TSP (for the Egg Replacer)
  • 1 CUP Flour
  • 1 1/2 TSP Baking Soda
  • 3/4 TSP Salt
  • 9 TSP Ener-G Egg Replacer
  • 3/4 CUP Canola Oil

Preparation

I was already skeptical when I saw the oil content, but whatever. I mixed up the “dough” as best I could with a wooden spoon, globbed the slimy (but moisturizing!) mess into a bread pan, and threw it in the oven at 350 degrees F for 45 minutes.

The result was, as I expected, oily. “How,” I wondered, “am I supposed to justify spreading Earth Balance or vegan cream cheese on something like this when it’s already dripping with oil?” The bread also had a decidedly rubbery texture. The taste wasn’t horrible, but the flavor of psyllium was still way, way too strong. It only got worse after the bread cooled. So bad, in fact, I gagged while trying to choke some down. Also, this was not a good texture for a non-dessert bread. Desserts can tolerate a wider range of consistencies than regular breads.

“No,” I said to myself. “The only way to salvage the Devil Husk is to mask the taste of psyllium with something sweet.” For that, I thought back to the results of my second experiment.

CHAPTER TWO

I’m not sure what made me go on with the experiment. Perhaps it was my adversary, the Psyllium, whispering seductive lies into my ear. Perhaps it was simple desperation that drove me forward. Maybe it was hubris. I don’t know. Was this not the same unchecked pride that tamed the western frontier? Was it not the perseverance of man that allowed the species to survive multiple world wars and potential nuclear annihilation? Would I survive the next attempt, or would I succumb to the web of deception that brought me to this point in the first place?

The Final Attempt

By now, I had learned not to trust the internet. I knew that the collective knowledge of mankind would no longer provide answers. Not in this matter. I had to take a different approach. I had to listen to my heart.

I know it sounds radical. It makes me seem like some kind of romantic sentimentalist. But, some muse had awakened within me a flash of inspiration, and I was powerless against it. My body no longer listened to reason. And thus, out came the mixing bowl, and into that humble, plastic cookware went the frustration of millions—the millions betrayed by a broken promise concerning recommended amounts dietary fiber.

Soylid Cookies

Makes 9 cookies. Preparation time about forty-five minutes.

Approximately 95 calories per cookie.

Additional Nutrition Information (Per Serving) Carbs 15g, Fat 3g, Protein 3g, Sodium 42g, Sugar 6g

Materials

  • Official Soylent Scoop, Small Mixing Bowl, Spoon, Baking Tray, Oven

  • 2 Scoops Soylent Powder (500 calories)

    (Soylent is basically just rice flour, vitamins, and a little oil, so I imagine you could just substitute rice flour if you really wanted to for some reason.)

  • 1 Scoop Oatmeal
    • Great Value Oatmeal: 169 calories for 45g.
  • 1 TBSP Sugar
    • Generic sugar: 48 calories per TBSP. If you want cookies that are sweet, rather than simply functional, you can add more.
  • 1 TSP Cinnamon Powder (6 calories)
  • 1 TSP Vanilla Extract (10 calories)
  • 1/4 CUP Raisins
    • Great Value raisins: 120 calories for 1/4 CUP.
  • 1 Heaping Tbsp Psyllium Husk (No caloric effect)
  • 1 Scoop Water
  • Burning Hatred

Preparation

Step 1. Add the dry ingredients to the bowl. The measurements don’t have to be precise for this recipe, so don’t worry if you don’t have an official Soylent scoop. Just make sure the ratio of Soylent to oatmeal is about 2-1.

Step 2. Add a scoop of water (about 112 ml).

Step 3. Stir batter angrily until well-mixed.

Step 4. Roll the batter into equally-sized globs about 1 1/2 inches in diameter and place onto a baking tray lined with wax paper. Flatten the globs slightly.

Step 5. Bake at 350 degrees F until the edges are a dark brown and the cookies are somewhat firm. It took my batch about 20-30 minutes to cook properly.

Step 6. Allow the cookies to cool before eating.

Just like that, it was over. The kitchen was silent, except for the occasional crack from the cooling oven. Gazing at my creations, the exceptionally healthy (vegan) cookies I had birthed, I couldn’t help but feel some affection for them. Sure, they were sort of ugly and awkward, but maybe that didn’t matter. They offered the Devil Husk redemption. Such purity made these cookies beautiful in a spiritual sense.

I picked up a cookie and placed it to my lips, reassured by the fact I couldn’t detect the scent of psyllium. I bit into it and….

“Hey, not bad.”

Conclusion

Psyllium is pretty worthless. I guess it kinda works as an emulsifier for Soylent oatmeal raisin cookies. I’m still out $7.50 and it’s a rather limited application, but theoretically I could get through the bag. But probably not.

8.6. Eat the World–Notes on Non-Local & International Cuisine

8.6.1. Japan

As risk of sounding like a weeb, I liked Japan. Tokyo was a pristine, modern paradise compared to the polluted podunk town I lived in during my last stint in Thailand. The food was also really good, when I could actually eat it. Not a lot of vegetarian fare, but quality over quantity is important sometimes. In Shinjuku, my favorite places to eat were those cramped, back alley restaurants that specialize in skewers and snack-sized dishes (yakitori-ya). They seem to be a popular place for stressed businessmen to get sloshed on sake after work.

Another unique experience I had was visiting a maid cafe in Akihabara, where ladies dress in maid outfits, dance, and serve you booze. It sounds raunchy, but it was quite harmless; I had a lovely omelet at Heart of Hearts.

Speaking of eggs, I discovered my favorite Sanrio character at a stationary shop in Japan: Gudetama the "Lazy Egg." Eggs in general appeal to me for some inexplicable reason, so an egg with a face drawn on it amuses me. I know. I am a simple, simple person.

8.6.2. Kuwait

Persian recipes from a Kuwaiti friend. Here are her original instructions, verbatim:

"3 egg 1c sugar 1 stick butter 1 cup 1 cup walnut forths less than 1 teaspoon spoon vanilla 1 cup dates cut 1 c flour 1 small spoon connamon and half that salt 3 tbsp baking powder 1 spoon pumpkin spice, saffron;

milk sugar cornstarch saffron for each cup of milk one spoon of corn starch but not large spoon and about two spoon of sugar of the same spoon size of the corn starch I put one small spoon of rose water for 3 cups of milk and some saffron

I used to put the chia seeds in rose water for from the night before serving in a cup to let the chia seeds absorb the rose water and get larger in size and keep it in the fridge and make the drink on the next day And just put very little from the orange blossom water because it might make bitter taste if it was a liteJust put about two spoon of chia seeds in a half rose water cup and keep it on the fridge until the next day you will see that it absorb all the water and get larger"

I should add water to the tokhme sharbati?

"Yes about 6 cups And the syrup in the water

Next time I will make aab dougk - yougert drink

Start with butter melted dry ingredients"

Uh. She's an excellent cook and a wonderful person, but yikes. Below is my best attempt to decipher her directions.

  1. Some kind of dessert (UNTESTED–I don't know the name. If anyone knows what she's talking about, send me a message.)

    Start with melted butter, then add dry ingredients. Use 3 eggs, 1 CUP of sugar, 1 stick of butter, 1 CUP walnut fourths, less than 1 TSP vanilla, 1 CUP cut dates. Add to 1 CUP of flour. Mix in 1 small spoon of cinnamon and 1/2 that amount of salt, 2 TBSP baking powder, 1 spoon of pumpkin spice, and saffron.

  2. Muhallebi

    The ingredients are milk, sugar, cornstarch, and saffron. For each up of milk, add one spoon of cornstarch (not a large spoon) and about 2 spoonfuls of sugar of the same spoon size as the cornstarch. Add 1 small spoon of rose water to 3 cups of milk, and some saffron. (This is cooked by boiling on the stove and poured into small glasses, which are then allowed to cool and placed in the fridge to harden.) You may add chopped pistachos as garnish.

  3. Tokhme Sharbati

    Add two spoonfuls of chia seeds to 1/2 CUP rose water and leave them in the fridge overnight to soak. Pour the mixture into 6 CUPS of water. Add a splash of orange blossom water.

8.6.3. Monticello, Virginia

Just outside of Charlottesville, Virginia lies the former residence and experiment in architecture built by the third President of the United States. Twenty-five dollars will buy you basic entry ticket that includes a tour of the house, slave quarters, and gardens. Thomas Jefferson kept meticulous notes about the crops grown on these lands, such as tobacco, flowers, and produce. Underneath the house are cellars which once stored wines and beers.

Tourists visiting Jefferson’s plantation won’t actually be eating like he did back in the late 1700s, but there is a concession where you can purchase potato chips and soda, which is what modern Americans eat. You will, however, get an idea of what a working plantation was like, see some of Jefferson’s personal possessions (he had a lot of books about farming), and listen to a bunch of sweaty, grumbling tourists complain about how their boyfriends never take them anywhere: “You don’t even know what I like because you NEVER ASK.”

This UNESCO World Heritage Site is a good place to bring visiting mothers who demand only the tamest forms of entertainment. They’ll especially appreciate the fact that there’s a gift shop at the end of the tour.

8.6.4. Peru

"Visit Machu Picchu" is usually an entry on any traveler’s bucket list. It’s a once in a lifetime experience so, naturally, I’ve been twice. I don’t know what’s so endearing about Peru, but it stands out from most of the places in which I’ve spent any significant amount of time. Maybe I was attracted to the dreamlike cloud forests and the isolatedness. Or maybe my positive impression was due to the fact that my brain was fizzling because of a combination of thin air and too many cigarettes. Don’t really know, but there’s food there and that means BLOG POST!?!11 Because, friends, boiling down a genuine (but long since lost) experience into a goofy post about eating guinea pigs is how I cope with the emptiness inside.

Honestly, I don't remember much about the food in Peru. It is largely meat-based, so if you’re a vegetarian, you’re probably not going to appreciate seeing the severed cow heads at the meat market. Besides the standard fare, there’s also a few unique items on the menu, including llama and cui (domesticated guinea pig). In Cuzco, there’s this great painting of the Last Supper by Marcos Zapata in the Cathedral depicting Jesus and his crew eating cui and drinking chicha.

Cui are reserved for special occasions. I do have video footage of cui being prepared, but I’ll just describe it in words. The cooks placed the slaughtered guinea pig in a pot of boiling water, removed the fur, burnt off the remaining hair over an open flame (scraping it with a knife), gutted it, cut off the tail, and roasted that sucker on up. So, there’s your tutorial in case there’s a famine and you ever need to cook up the classroom pet.

8.6.5. Puerto Rico

My grandaunt sometimes shares recipes with me.

  1. Moist Cornbread

    The measurements for this recipe are based on 300G cans. As in, a can of corn. You empty 1 can of corn into a blender, add 2 cans of cornmeal, 1 can of milk, 1/3 can oil, etc.

    1. Materials
      1. Blender, Baking Pan
      2. 2 Lata Maiz
      3. 3 Huevo
      4. 1 Lata Leche
      5. 1 Lata de Maiz Harin
      6. 1/2 Lata Aceite
      7. 1 Lata Azucal
      8. 1 Cucharadita Baking Powder
    2. Preparation

      Step 1. Add ingredients to blender.

      Step 2. Blend.

      Step 3. Pour into baking pan.

      Step 4. Bake at 350 degrees F for 40 minutes.

Author: sisface

Created: 2024-09-18 Wed 17:58

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